My Perspective

I find myself sitting in my room... and listening... to all the sounds that make up my world. I can hear the steady beating of the hammer from the basement. (My husband is determined to build an entirely different house down there, and I spend my time wondering who is going to clean all this new "space" being created.) I can hear my oldest darling son... and he's talking.. to no one in particular.. about computers, and legos and occasionally he stops.. to get a breath.. and then continues.. My youngest is making sounds of silliness. Some sort of game he made up, with a full cast of imaginary characters.. and there is the sound of silly, and a touch of crazy coming from his direction tonight.. I listen and realize.. These are special days. These are Moments. The kids will eventually grow and I will eventually return to sanity (hopefully) and the Mister will finish one empire and then start on another. The boys will grow and they will be amazing.. in EVERY way. I will do my best to ruin them for whatever girls may come along. Because, afterall that's my job!

     I talk a LOT, but I find myself listening too.. there is a certain ring to a child's voice or a certain pitch in a mothers tone.. ESPECIALLY when we have been pushed too far!

Sometimes when we listen..though, we hear things. Things that are not really directed at us. but MEANT for us. (That may not make sense but go with me here) I was sitting in my favorite salon the other day.. waiting for girlie things and the sounds of hairdryers and beloved styling tools. A woman came in and asked her stylist to "Please cut my hair VERY short" Now, apparently this stylist has been with her for sometime and she reacted with " Nooooo, you have been working so hard to grow it all out" and the woman.. in a very calm still voice said " I have cancer, it's all going to fall out, I would prefer it be short when it happens."  In that moment, all the rough edges of stress for the day faded away. I didn't hear pity, but through my averted downward "OMG, I have nothing to complain about ever" stare at the floor and through my tears that come unwelcome (crying in public is sooo NOT my thing) .. I heard PERSPECTIVE.  And.. that's what I really needed to hear for the day, week, year. Happy New Year Ya'll. I hope it's the very best one yet to all whom I love and adore. :)

Love, actually

This is the season of one of my very favorite movies. "Love, Actually" Sooo... I got to thinkin...

    To love someone. To really love someone, makes you care about the dumbest things. I worried that the boys were cold yesterday, that I hadn't sent the right jackets. I worry that the boys need to be tough and strong.. which is weird because I'm OBVIOUSLY the girl. I worried that dinner wasn't going to be ready and everyone would get hungry while I was driving too and fro. I worry about making Christmas perfect for my family.  I had a straight up PANIC the other day worrying about the forgotten ice cream money. I worry about my loved ones health, the silliest little details of a medical report... which is mostly of the boring kind. (Thankfully) The whole "I'm allergic to cats and dogs" threw the oldest one for a loop, but it soooo wasn't the end of the world. I worry that the youngest will realize that with "charm + dimples" you can get a lot.. and I worry that he will use that as a teen or young adult.... ack!

    
 I worry. I love. I just do. It's how I'm built. Sometimes it would be so much easier to shut that valve off. There is a lot of grief to be had for loving people... it gives them power. The power to hurt you, the power to exasperate you, the power to worry you, the power to enrage you.. but in the end. I dunno.. I'm just guessing here... if you love them... then you care. You are. That's what it's all about. Ice cream money, and cat dander...and warm jackets... That's what love is, actually....I think, and I'm jus sayin.

That's Life...

     I'm in a Frank Sinatra mood tonight. I love him, and although there are many great artist.. no one says it quite like him. That's life.. It is. In one of my favorite songs the line goes " Each time I find myself flat on my face, I pick myself up and get back in the race" It makes me smile.
                                             http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=avU2aarQUiU
      Sometimes we don't want to.. but it's always the right choice to keep moving. Forward.  Whilst in Vegas recently, I played some slots, learned how to play craps, rode a free fall from the tallest point in Nevada, and was a good luck charm for some stranger for a while.. rolling the dice until he lost..( Sorry Angelo) But, that's life. Sometimes we win, sometimes we lose.. but as long as we keep going. Forward motion... That's life. Everything is not perfect. I laugh when people tell me that everything is perfect in their life.. They are SOOO LYING.  You and I both know that NOTHING is perfect.. but, Life, is what we make it... and that's why the line "But I don't let it , let it get me down,  'Cause this fine ol' world keeps spinning around"  makes me so happy.

        There are so many people that I know, that are quite fabulous. I don't know how I got the good fortune to know them all, but I did.. and perhaps that's just the "luck of the draw" Vegas style, if you will. So, yeah, that's life, and the whole world keeps goin around.. and most days," I pick myself up and get back in the race". I like it.. most o' the time. " It's life, and I can't deny it, many times I've thought of quitten baby, but my heart just won't buy it"  Not a bad plan overall.. because that's just life....I'm learning and, I'm jus sayin. :)

Better Nate than Lever

     There was a joke.. about a guy named Nate. His job was to watch a lever and make sure it was never pushed.(World Destruction or something)  One day a bad guy came and Nate died in defense of the lever... Long story short.. " Better Nate than Lever".. (I credit Terah Chowning Tucker for this A-mazing joke)

     I remember the day. Clearly. I remember using humor to deal with something embarrassing.. My belt fell down as I was walking to my high school class and... I laughed it off. It worked. From then on I  found I prefer to laugh then cry any day. If I can find humor I will. It can be surprising how often I find humor in my every day life.. It keeps me from being hysterical. At this point, Iv'e decided to go with it.  

     I found myself eyeball to optic nerve with a sheep's brain today coated in formaldehyde. I fought the gag reflex and could see the humor... this is where my life is. Odd though it may be. Looking at a sheep's brain. On a Tuesday. Poor sheep.. but his brain.. wow..How ludicrous. I can find it funny. I forgot my jacket in a class today. Didn't remember till I had walked to mah car. Had to go back. Walk through a class full of 50 or so kids who were learning something.. important...They looked at my funny. The professor looked at me funny. I had to to tell a particularly non-reactive 18-20 year old boy to move his sprawling legs... but I needed mah jacket. Soo... in I went . Like it was normal. I could see the humor. It was funny. They were talking about deathly important things.. and in I went. Needed mah jacket. 'Scuse me.... K.. thanks...  I find it better to not take yourself too seriously... especially me. In all the RIDICULOUS situations I put myself in on a regular basis. I thought it might decrease with age.. but nope. Still RIDICULOUS... but.. I can see the humor in it... and most days I'm okay with it...I'm Jus sayin.

Greed is Good.

I was reminded about Michael Douglas today... in that Wall Street Movie.. he said  "The point is, ladies and gentleman, that greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right, greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms; greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge has marked the upward surge of mankind. And greed, you mark my words, will not only save Teldar Paper, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA. Thank you very much."

      I really don't remember that paper company, and I really don't remember that movie, but I remember the tag line. GREED IS GOOD. I think that's true. I want things. Don't you? Things out of life. Things that sometimes life gives me... (aka: five year old greeted me with "morning Cutie") and the things that life has yet to give me  "A job I'm REAALLY FuhMAZINGLY good at". I want TIME. I want ENJOYMENT. I want to know when I'm having that "I'll never have THIS again moment", so I will fully SAVOR it. I know that time is flying by me and I can't capture it. I keep getting older, my kids keep getting older and it's a helpless feeling. I have GREED.  I have it for life. I want to live. I want a picture of me on some stupid far away beach, to remind myself that I lived. Or.. on a mountain top somewhere.. (hopefully with a very competent Sherpa). Or.. a Christmas morning when the 8 yr old gets the PERFECT gift.  I want money. I like money, not gonna lie.  It buys stuff, like make-up and nails.. praise the LAWD.  I have greed for LOVE. I believe in it. Nothing is better than a hug from someone who loves you "all the way to the moon and allll the way back"  I have GREED for KNOWLEDGE. I want to know sh*t. I want to know something that someone else doesn't already know.. and use it to help people, or at the very least, have the right answer in class before someone else.... I think that movie was right. GREED is good.  GREED can work.. It can cut through all the silly stuff to the really important stuff. I want EVERYTHING. Everything that this world has to offer, I want it... and then I want some more. Because Greed is good... Just a little Michael Douglas reverb for ya Wednesday.. Jus saying. :)

Survival is overrated.

I have given it considerable thought... and I've decided that survival is over rated. While I was sitting watching an exhausting soccer practice, and trying to get a five year old to stop crying... it came to me. This is WAY ridiculous. Like WAY. I called several friends while sitting in a chair in a tiny ball complaining about life in general. Made me laugh at how many of us or SO completely OVER it. We are. Us moms are TIRED, and we are AWESOME, and we fix the most RIDICULOUS problems ever known to man. I actually found myself saying "you need to be more afraid of ME than the DARK" to a particularly stubborn child who wouldn't go upstairs the other day, and I MEANT ever word of it. Like Reallllllllly MEANT it.  I actually had to say "YOU DON"T' SWALLOW COINS!" What the heck? That's RIDICULOUS. Or how bout... "I'm gonna count to THREE and then....." I like to leave it open ended for them to interpret the threat on their own. What they may think of us is probably worse than what I can come up with anyways. Anyways, mah point being that I'm going to stop surviving. I truly think I may just be me. However that works out.  I like to laugh. I like to talk a LOT. I like to find the "happeh place". I'm not going to survive, I'm going to live. I don't exactly know how yet... but I will. Because, survival is overrated, LIVING is where it's at. Living with killer shoes? EVEN BETTER. Because that means that I wake up and don't start the car in the garage without opening the door.  There's a thought. Jus sayin.  :)

The Glad Game

     I'm trying to play the glad game. Remember the one from Pollyanna? She could always find something in a situation to be glad about, tillllll that day she fell out of the tree... then she wasn't so happeh was she? Ha! Take that Pollyanna... Anyways, I'm playing that game today. My English teacher is evil. But, I take on online course, so I don't have to meet her evilness in person. I downloaded a trojan hose on my computer.... but, it's such a crappy computer, when I start using it as a coaster, it's like I'm multitasking.  I broke my broom... soo, unfortunately I have nothing to fly away on, but.... in related news, I haven't had to sweep in like a whole WEEK. I got some new shoes, they hurt.. but they are reeeeally cute.. so.. GLAD.. see how that works? I'm getting older, but I have the coolest new facial cream. I hate October, THE beginning of winter,  but it's like the shortest month... oh wait.. nev'ermind.. it's like as long as possible.. so that one doesn't work suh much. ANYWAYS, muh point being.... I'm playing the glad game. GLAD. YaY.  I'm workin on it. Jus sayin. :)

Kickin Trees....

     There is a friend I have. Her dad used to tell her... (he was a wise man)... don't kick the furniture, kick the trees. That way it minimizes the damage... jus sayin. I am looking for some serious trees to kick. I would like to kick some big nasty trees...all day. But , in related news, I don't want to ruin my shoes, or my toes. I'm NOT self-destructive..  My version of kicking trees would be buying something. Dior, to be more specific. They love me there. They also love me at several other stores... ( I mean, big, hug ( I'm so happy you are here, so I can meet my quota)  worthy love)  I do what I can for the economy.  Annnyyyyways, mah point being. There are days, when trees need to be kicked. When bummerness, takes over and it's all you can do to to not injure your feet seriously on some trees. or furniture.  There are also Dior days, when Dior needs to be bought until the "I'm cute" factor kicks in.  That was today. I feel officially better.... thanks to Sherelle... and Eryn....and some product.  and some wine. I would like something miraculous., some 'this life is what you want it to be be'elixir. I'm expecting some some SERIOUS results We shall see.. but in the meantime, I have not injured my feet or mu shoes... That is  GLASS HALF FULL SITUATION... JUS SAYIN. .

It's Sunday night. I have always disliked Sundays. I think it started back in the day when I had to go to church for like 8 hours that day, or maybe, when I realized that work was about to start the next day.. no buffer day in the middle. It's entirely possible as I got older that I realized that ... well, Sunday is just a day that people do more yard work in... the distant sound of weed eater or a lawnmower makes me depressed. Am I the only one? Don't get me wrong, I love me some Jesus and some Sunday food.. (8 hours of church doesn't actually  correlate with being a Christian) but there is just something about the day that is a little depressing. Always has been. It seems worse, if I start the week staring down the barrel of an exhausting week. I can look and see, this isn't going to be an easy one... Darnit. This one contains things I do not like. Work, study, work, study, craziness... but... Ive decided it's okay.. I got this. I will suck it up and be a big girl. Take that week. I got you and Jack Daniels. Jus sayin.

A Jack Daniels night.... :)

Another day older and deeper in debt

        I stopped being excited about birthdays around 25. I started disliking them around 30, and I absolutely lost my CRAP last year when I turned 32. How did this happen? I'm older, and it just keeps happening. Now, getting older isn't all bad. I have a much larger selection of shoes. I have excellent credit. I have reeeeeallly excellent insurance coverage. I have better hair.. And... most importantly..the rumor is.. I'm supposed to be wiser. I don't feel wiser. In fact, I feel like I should definitely know more to be this age. I should know stuff about stuff. Meaningless but "I'm in my thirties, so I know that" stuff.  Like what an amortization rate is and what is the gestation rate of whales... ( I don't know these things, obviously)  I went to a doctors appointment the other day and they told me I was 5 '5 3/4... Um, EXCUSE me.. I am 5 '6. That's what the license says.  Am I shrinking already? Uncool. I guess I'm hopeful that this year contains fun, and love, and a little more wisdom. I'm hopeful that it contains girls nights out, and hugs from my loved ones, and the occasional ice cream cone. I'm hopeful that it contains a bright light at the end of the tunnel that is NOT a oncoming TRAIN. Also, in related news, I'm hopeful that I grow 1/4 of an inch. Because my license says 5 '6.. and by GOD that's how tall I am. Jus sayin.

Weell.....it's THAT time of year....

Yep. It's Fall. yay. Skippy. dippy. etc... I don't get excited like everyone else does anymore. First of all ... let's be honest, winter fashion isn't as fun as there are WAY more layers... and it COMING. The COLD. It's on it's WAY. EWE. I don't love it. Why does everyone love it? What about open toed shoes and strappy tops? For the love of GOD WHY? I understand why some love that football starts again. Football and I have made our peace. I've watched approximately enough to tell you what works, what defense is failing, and why...and... it couldn't mean less... because, I have decided I will no longer sit in the cold and SUFFER to watch a team. If you want me to root for you, you have to play from now until October and then I am OUT. Get someone else to yell for you, I will be home, with a BLANKET, waiting for the horror of winter to fade, which it WON"T for the next three to four months. EWE. Have I mentioned EWE?!?!  Soo.. what is it about fall that sucks everyone in? I think it's the promise... the "hey, come on, it will feel so gooooooood" line that fall uses to suck us in. It does not. Nu huh.  Not when January hits and there is no HOPE evah of new cute strappy shoes... ( I tend to get a lil dramatic, but you get the point) Anyways... Boo Fall. I can't wait for SUMMER to come back around. The land of bathing suites, and cute strappy shoes, and crazy tops and... did I mention the amazing shoes??... Anyways, Fall is here, it's THAT time of year. Yippy, skippy... please excuse me as I cry hysterically and cling to my fun shoes... jus sayin.

Like Nancy Reagan said...Just say NO...

I can't say no. I've tried. It starts to come out...nnnn..... and then turns out all yyyyeeessss.... I'm working on this because frankly, I'm exhausted. I am pretty much a full time student, a full time mom, and I just found out that I'm going to be room mom for my sons preschool class. I didn't know this of course, it was a SURPRISE.. An honor actually... but..still....OMGEEZZZ... because, on top of not being able to say NO ever... I have no organizational skillz to speak of. I love people.I'm a social gal. It's true... but I can't organize them worth a flip. I am the person that takes ten shifts on field day, because I'm just too tired of trying to figure out who can help. And frankly, I don't like to ask... because someone might say...NO... and then I'll be all impressed and jealous and stuff. I have decided after some very good advice to say NO to the very next thing I'm asked to do....till I get asked to do it, and then I'll cave like a three hour diet.... Anyways, my point isn't to whine. No really, it's to VENT.. LOTS of mommas out there are working twice as hard as me, but it's  because saying NO is a skill, one I'd like to have... soon, reeeeaaalll soon. So here is what I'm thinking. I'm gonna have a NO week. I'm going to say no to absolutely everything I am asked to do. Can I clean up? NO. Can I check your homework? NO. Can I cook you dinner? NO. Can I stop by the post office? Um, NO. Can I wipe your a$$?  Helllzzz NOOOO. I am thinking I'll get to around day three before I cave...but It could get reeeeaaal interesting round heah folks.... jus sayin.

What do angiosperms use to disperse the pollen

When I pull up a blank title on my blog, this is apparently the most used phrase. "What do angiosperms use to disperse the pollen?"  WTH? (H stands for heck...fyi) How did this happen. I went back to school is what happened. Dumb ambitions etc... I am studying to be a nurse. Why? Well, its sure as sh*t to late to be a doctor and that seemed like the next best thing. Do I want to be a nurse? Meh. It sounds okay, I mean... I like people, I like trauma, I like drama, it should work. But, if I got to pick... I would be .. something else. Something totally RAD. ( the word rad isn't used often enough, either is taboo, but that's a whole 'nother story) I would work with clothes and hair and make up. It would be me and a CLOSET full of amazingness everyday... Forevah and evah... (I understand this makes me shallow, I'm cool with that)   But, common sense wins out, as it unfortunately ALWAYS does, and nurse it is. Of course, one TINY lil detail... one TINY lil problem I didn't account for. I SUCK at science. Suck. Bad... Horrible...Not being modest....Covalent Bonding? Whuh? Does one wear a pump or high heel to that? Organelles? um, what color is that? Sounds purple...Anyways, on the eve of my next lab, I sit. I consider. I whine. I wish for a job in fashion. I pick out something super duper cute to wear.  And, then I keep calm and carry on. It's what I do. It's how I deal. And, if I look a lil vacant in the next lecture,don't worry,  I'm just picturing my next outfit... Jus sayin.

War.

I am a procrastinator. If it is something I don't want to do... I avoid it until the last possible minute. (ie: I should be writing a Sociology paper this very minute)  I am also at war. Over desk space.  There is a stack of papers there, I know they are there... I don't care to go through them. I'm sure some could be thrown away. I don't mind. I'm putting it off until I feel like it. Maybe when we move will be a good time? Maybe when pigs go past my window, flappin their brand new wings? Who can know? The Mister keeps putting them out on the table and LEAVING them there.. I suppose as a hint, that he would like me to take my time to go through them. Not a word is said, just a little passive aggressiveness from one to another. I politely decline and put them back. EVERY day this happens.This has been going on for about THREE months. Guess what? At this point I've decided they are my favorite papers in the WHOLE world and  they will be there till the Good Lord Jesus comes back. That is all.  I'm jus sayin.

Frogs and snails and puppy dog tails

When I was a kid, I was a boy. I lived around boys, I played with boys, and I'm pretty sure I smelled like boys. I played in the woods, jumped off dirt cliffs, owned my own pair of camos and had my own BB gun. But, one day, I discovered something called MAKE UP , and CLOTHES, and I never looked back. I think I then started to look AT boys, and that was the end of that.  I am now the girliest of girls and the only time I am near the woods is when I pass by them in my CAR.

Sooo... the irony is... I have BOYS. Lot's of em. In one of God's great cosmic hilarious jokes, I got only boys. Not a girl to be found at my house other than me. No one will get their nails done with me, no one will let me play with their hair, there is no "outfit discussion time" .. and there is a pretty persistent smell..One of those "SMELLS" that only boys seem to have when they are outside for more that 2 seconds. I often wonder how this could have happened. I didn't order two boys... I assumed the first would be a boy, the second would be a girl.. all would be perfect. Um, yeah, not so much... They are the very best, and they hold my heart,  but still... ALL BOYS. I am realizing however, that as the only female I hold all the cards. They don't know this of course, but I'm the boss... I mean, who is going to argue with that crazy GIRL lady? She is the only one of her kind in this alien planet and should be handled with care. I was speaking with a mother the other day that had two boys. (We boy moms tend to notice each other and give each other sympathetic looks in public) She noted that in her house even though she was outnumbered that she was the "Princess" and that she was learning to enjoy that.  I smiled. I laughed. Princess, hell honey. I'm the QUEEN. Jus sayin.

Omigoodness....

Soo here is the deal. I didn't take the USUAL path.. whatever that may be. I'm an odd duck. I've come to realize that it is NOT the norm to be me. I think this is OK though.. I mean.. who else am I gonna be at this point anyways? Soo... I go to college in my THIRTIES and sit in cute little desks around cute little people and to be honest... I enjoy their company. There is a certain joy to being young that I had forgotten. Somewhere in between building THE empire and making all the RIGHT decisions.. I forgot that part of happy. Young people, most of them anyways, know how to be joyful. The kind of joy before they get all knocked around by life and don't want to get out of bed in the morning... I think it makes me younger, and it certainly makes me appreciate the JOY a little more. I remember to roll down my windows and play the music loud a little more often these days... because really, life is short. Too short to be so uptight. I'm learning...

 Soo.. to my point. I have people. I have THOSE people. The people that you love, but for some reason or another say THOSE things... the things that make . you. crazy. "You look sooo tired" has GOT to be one of my faves.  Omigooodness..I hate this phrase. It means.. you look like SH*T. I know this. I am a mom of two CRAZY kids. I'm aware that my mascara runs from time to time and I have the "omigosh, if I step on a lego one more time, someone is going to PAY"  look on my face. I know. I know. I know. I try and look non- haggard when out and about, but there are DAYS. I mean those days, when you aren't sure.. you know  Reeeaaallly not sure.. if you can survive. I mean, you always do, maybe making some mistakes along the way. (I'm going to start putting money away now for the counseling I'm SURE the kids are going to need later) But.. to my point. Don't say "you look so tired " to me. It's annoying. And BTW - of COURSE I'm tired. It's like in my job description. If I looked all HAPPEH all the time.. I would be on serious medication, which I'm not ruling out.  Anyways, I know. I know I look tired. Pointing it out to me isn't the most helpful thing you can do. Offer me caffeine or alcohol...that's helping. Offer me drugs.. meds... that's helping. Anyhow..you need to know if you do utter that dire "You look so tired" <insert sympathetic surprise face... Please expect a "Well, bless your heart" and if you are a true Southern gal.. you know what that means. I'm jus sayin.