Imma Survivor

Today I am relatively confident that I may not survive. I know I said in the title "Imma Survivor" but let's be honest... it's really the best case scenerio. The children aren't being horrible, they are just being children. The house isn't in terrible disarray but it is OBVIOUS someone besides Martha Stewart lives here. It is also obvious that I don't have a cleaning lady. I really want one of those. Anyways, I digress.

The following things disturb me:

Forgot to get the Mister a Fathers Day card because we were on vacation... turns out they only carry those at the store BEFORE Fathers Day. NOTED.

Using Tin Foil to cover up your GINORMOUS bottle of wine because you messed up the cork is a bad idea. It will make your wine taste TIN FOILISH... which turns out I can ignore, but ew still. 

Bought Bomb Pops because I used to eat them as a kid, and they looked DELICIOUS. Probably should not have eaten FOUR.

Made huge meals and meant to freeze for leftovers. FORGOT. Now I'm sure someone will want me to cook again. DAMNIT.

Ran into an open drawer AGAIN with my shin. Note to self, try and hit the other leg next so it will match....(also, probably closing more drawers would be helpful, but that seems like a lot of work)

Found out SOMEONE cancelled the HBO channels right before True Blood and Weeds premiered. It may take MONTHS to get over that one. 

Got Told I look like Jessica Simpson again today... but it was in a sad, pity voice, so pretty sure it wasn't a compliment. Note to self - STOP wearing white cowboy hat everywhere.

Went to get the FREE "delicates" at Victoria Secret... forgot coupon. Turns out, they don't just hand them out without a coupon. FACEPALM.

Came to the realization that I have no good excuse for shopping for any clothing items at all. SAD DAY.

HAS GOT to remember to send back everything that didn't fit and looked horrible back to VS before it's too late... SERIOUSLY. (Although... seriously ladies, I got the cutest nautical swim suit EVAH)

Got the bill from Banana Republic. STUFFED it behind all the other bills... will claim innocence when interrogated.  But "Free Cat" T-shirts are already in the works....

 Going to get the kiddos Chinese take-out... lucky them. Just tried to order, and I'm pretty sure we don't have any shot at ALL of getting the right food.  I really just want to lay down and forget it. I want to crawl in my bed, pull the covers over my head and quit today. I have NOT been a fan of this week and would like it to go away anytime now, and don't look now, but the kids just got out some goo named ZUBBER. Siiiigghhhhh,  Alas, Imma Survivor... so in lui of a better way to end this rambling post, I shall leave you in the capable hands of Destiny's Child.. before Beyonce left them in the dust and became super fancy...My favorite line is "Because my momma taught me better than that..." Sing it with me NOW....

Home Sweet Home

Ahhhh..... Home.

So, I'm strange. I like vacation, don't get me wrong. I love a chance to throw out the rules, eat ice cream whenever, taunt dermatologist with my irreverent skin care and in general behave with maycare.. which is what I do anyways. My point is, I don't like being away from home for to long. I miss my bed. I miss my pillow. I miss a WHOLE week of drama and gossip in the lives of people I love and whose company I enjoy. So, yes... yes. We had a lovely time, but all in all...SO GLAD to be home. Anyways,  random things I noticed.

1) Hawaii is proud of fresh food. I'm a preservative queen. The day I found a Taco Bell was a highlight.

2) I'm an excellent driver of Mustang convertibles. I also look good in one. I want a shiny red one. That is all.

3) The word for appetizer in Hawaiian is Puu Puu's... I laughed every time they asked if I wanted one. Because I'm 8.

4)The lady who had to clean our room when we left curses us. I'm very sure of it.

5) Boxed wine taste terrible...but not so terrible as not to drink it.

6) Apparently I get tipsy on two glasses of wine, when I am starving to death and leave my favorite flip floppies at the pool and some kind soul will have to return them.

7) A swedish massage is something I have never had. Now, I want one everyday... by a man named Ray. That's not weird right?

8) If you have never had a Swedish massage before, it's important to get all the rules ahead of time, or you just may panic when they ask you to FLIP over. Like REALLY panic.

9) Chickens and Roosters roam at will on Kauai. It starts to get freaky after awhile.

10) I'm like the Jeffrey Dahmer of chickens... I started to get worried that word would spread of my arrival and their would be an "Incident" aka: My unfortunate demise... DEATH BY CHICKEN. Frankly, it's not how I want to go.

11) Why on an island of 30 MILLION free range effing chickens, is not ONE of them fried up on a menu somewheres?

12) I almost starved to death. I lost five el bees on vacation. That should NEVER happen.

13) I will always hate when my hair gets wet. Always.

14) I will remember the face of the TSA woman who took away my Bumble and Bumble hairspray. Forever.

15) A hotel room with children gets REAL small after about two days.. I'm glad I chose not to jump of the balcony, but there were times it was a near thing.

16) I'm not entirely sure jet lag doesn't kill people. Or, at the very least... make them delirious.

Anyways, home. Love home. Love my peeps. Fried chicken is emminent. The Southern moon is out....(yes, it's just ours) and the children are back in their own bedrooms. Amen and Amen. Jus Sayin.

Oh muh HOLY CRAPOLA... and pass the Tylenol

     I've been preparing for THE TRIP for some time now. I have a schedule. It's like the army around here. I fuss about messes. I am cranky about clutter. It's what I do. I actually took pictures of my clean kitchen before I left the house in case SOMEONE messed it up. Yep. I'm that person. About two weeks before a trip I STRESS. I stress about activities. I stress about travel time. But... I will admit. I stress mostly about packing. What shall the boys and I wear? I'm not kidding. This is an actual thing. I make a list of the days. And I plan accordingly. AKA... Monday: outfit for day, swimming attire, swimming cover up, night time attire...which is WAY different than daytime attire... and shoes. MY GOD.. the SHOES.  I'm on a mission from CRAZYTOWN to find a pair of patent leather red high heeled sandals. I KNOW they are out there somewhere.. COME HOME TO MOMMA!

      Anyways, my point is.. I really don't have a point. I'm shopping like a loon, and making everyone clean everything they touch. Why? Because I'm an insane person CLEARLY. And no one should argue with an insane person... it leads to nowhere. And, also... WE ARE CRAZY.Which explains SO MANY of the "OMG, that girl has flipped her lid" looks I got today. Because I was in NO MOOD for crazy people... I was crazy enough for ALL of us.  Also, I just realized the outfit for the airport is going to need 5 inch heels. Woops!  I'm going to catch Hell for that, but it's all part of the process. And seriously.. the outfit is SO CUTE. Seriously. I'm Jus Sayin.

A Love letter...

I've been overwhelmed lately at the closings of so many chapters in life. Life has a way of JUST HAPPENING without my approval or consent.  In the past month I have received tons of graduation announcements and birthdays and celebrations. All marking the ending of something or the beginning of something new. I don't like change. I'm the queen of liking everything to say the exact same forever, even if... it's not practical. Even if, it makes no sense.

When I received graduation announcements for my friends CHILDREN, it hit especially hard. These little guys are all grown up. I don't know when that happened. I remember the night that Kaylee Roseanne Ivy and Katrina Anne McKennon were born. (First of all it should be noted they were named after me...jus sayin!) Kaylee was born first and she was born in the very middle of the night. I remember staying up and watching "Beaches" on VHS. If you don't know the story, it's about a woman who has to raise her best friends baby after her friend dies of cancer.  DUMBEST movie to watch EVAH when a friend is having a baby. ( I would like to take this time to thank both Tara and Stephanie for NOT dying of cancer and making me raise your children. I'm sure it would have been QUITE the fiasco) Anyways,  I remember going to sleep... near dawn, and feeling the oddest thing. It wasn't until years later I could define what it was. To me, Kaylee and Katie were the first people I ever loved, without ever having met them. I loved them completely from the day they were born.  I didn't get to be there, but I knew, I just knew... they were going to be remarkable children and they were going to have some remarkable mothers.

So, occasionally I start to tear up a lil (which I do NOT do) and I watch as this big wide door swings open for people that I love. Children that grew into teenagers and then ... when I wasn't looking... Beautiful grown women. I'm ready to watch the amazingness. I will yell loudly from the fan stands, along with your mothers. You got this. You are Perfect.  You are loved. You are going to make mistakes... but some words of advice from Aunty Cat... If you make mistakes, learn from them. If you fall, GET UP. Dance. Maybe even DANCE a lot. Actually in fact, you should ALWAYS Dance. And Be Happy. I love you , along with a host of people that can not possibly  even be counted. BE You. Whatever that is, will be perfect.

So, I put my kiddos to bed tonight.. and we chanted our ritual " I love you, I love you, I love you all the waaaay to the moon... and then darlings, I love you all the way right back."  I know it's just a matter of time before they are grown and so I sit, and glory in the fact that I have just a little while longer with them. And I hold it tight.

Soo... anyways,   I think the biggest think I hope for you, is Love. Love is actually what I think it's all about.
Just Remember :


"You've got to give a little, take a little,
and let your poor heart break a little.
That's the story of, that's the glory of love."

"You've got to laugh a little, cry a little,
until the clouds roll by a little.

That's the story of, that's the glory of love."  ...

 Go get 'em Girls. You got this.  I'm Jus Sayin.

Catitude

The other day I was driving... to somewhere VERY important I'm sure.. and there it was. An old beat up van with duct taped windows and on it was a sign that said "Catitude".  It was inscribed with tacky, faded bubble lettering and it was AWESOME.  For the thousandth time I wished I had a phone that wasn't crappy so I could've taken a picture... but alas as it drove off... I found myself at an intersection... laughing like a loon. The reality is I do believe that's what I have today. A Catitude. Why isn't that a word that is used more often?

Catitude -  1)an attitude in which all those who mind don't matter and all those matter don't mind.  2) Imma jus gonna be me.. so there. 3) To heck with it 4) An attitude occasionally accompanied by a dirty mouth.

Something about this next couple of weeks is a bit daunting to me. I realize it's not so hard when it's boiled down. One step.. then another step... and Repeat. Yet... still daunted. I think I'm going to need every bit of attitude that I have to survive it... I realize that my week compared to some is very insignificant. Simple REALLY.  I have friends dealing with all kinds of hard situations. Keeping that in mind however, A man I very much admire once said "Honey, just because that man has a broken leg, doesn't mean your splinter doesn't hurt as well". I must agree. My splinter is tough this week. I think it might be gangrene or something... terrible. Real Terrible.  But.. one step, then one more step.. and repeat...with attitude. Or Catitude as the situation calls for.

 So, I've turned the proverbial music up. I''ve rolled my hypothetical windows down. I've got the pedal to the metal people. I'm ready. Me and my Catitude. Join me won't you? It'll be fun.  Let's do this. I'm Jus Sayin.

Momma said....

I have little boys on the back porch eating popsicles. I don't know what happened to their shirts... or how they seem to lose them at the end of a warm day, but they do. So we sit, and we talk about Gumby and School and Legos.  I'm drinking wine in an effort to encompass a rather odd day in a bubble and leave it behind. And they laugh, and so do I. I mean... really.. Some days, you have to look at the silly side. 

I went to see my Dr. today. I've known him since I was eighteen. The last time I was in his office, my file broke the plastic holding thingy... I mean really. He is mine for life and wherever he goes I will follow.  As I walked in through the lobby, someone had smeared feces down the hospital hall... I though... well, sh*t... that's not a good start to my day. After I helped a mother of two carry her stroller to get past the horror, I continued on to my destination.

 Dr. D. My Doctor. My hero. I love the office staff there. Theresa , Mags, Cathy... they are a good time. They are understanding as I ALWAYS remove my shoes before weighing in. I have always recommended that the scales be in the examining room... that way we could be nekkid and not have the extra weight of clothes.  Seriously, I can't be the ONLY one to have this idea.  Anyways, my point is, it's a comfortable place.  Dr. D and I discussed the usual topics. Taxation. The fact that his mother is a Liberal and it blows his mind.  Vacations. The very cool container on his desk that says "Ashes of my Ex-Wife"..etc... We then talked about his crappy computers wich led down a bunny trail of thought until.. Dernit. I said something.. and then he started to CRY. OMG. Are you kidding me? Apparently my referral to the recent rash of robberies in our area reminded him of his families home invasion when he was a little kid. I had no idea... I was speechless, which for me.. is real terrifying. REAL.  What do you do when you accidentally send a fifty something(ish) man back to his childhood terror. In my case you say... "Well, DAMNIT Dr. D... HAPPY MONDAY!!!".... until he laughs.. because really. Of all the LUCK... 

Anyways, I shook it off. I continued with the day to my next destination.. where to? Well, the grocery store. Harmless right?  It should have been... but there were cute little teenage girls in the doorway, doing a survey.... "Ma'am would you answer a few questions for us?".. I'mma a sucker for kids..so, I agree. Thinking How bad could it really be? Turns out they had several questions about the RAPTURE. Perfect really. Depressing much? At that point, I went to pick up the kids. Went home. SHUT the door. And Prayed for nighttime. Really.. because there is a limit to what havoc one person can wreak/handle in a day. REALLY.

So as I still sit here on the back porch, even after the boys have gone inside... time to take showers and go to bed and I listen to the thunder roll and the watch the lightening flash and I think... YES. Perfection. I Survived Feces laden hallways, Crying doctors, Perky high school students... and this is how it's gonna end. Me on the back porch, getting struck by lightening... And I'm not inclined to move. I figure...after today, it may just be MY time.  Rapture indeed.  Jus SAYIN. 

Macs, Nuggets, and Ninjas...oh my..

     SIGH....Typical crazy life here today. The boys have gone NUTTY. Tyler tried to build a pool in the backyard but settled on a water slide. Every BIT of dirt in my yard, is now in the showers thanks to my darling boys. Chicken nuggets were the plan of the evening, because even though it's just one less for dinner, I didn't want to cook. Yes, I'm THAT mother.

 The boys wanted to be ninjas today.. so instead of telling them I didn't have time... I blew off everything else that needed to be done, and we played, we laughed, we smacked each other with pillows and mad ninja moves. Which translates to, stuff still to be done, baths still to be taken, beverages still to be CONSUMED.

I'm trying to figure out "Scarlett" the new computer. She is a Mac and thus completely different than anything I know. But in times like these. In day four of being on my own.. she is some lovely company. I still make her beep at the wrong times and some functions are a mystery.. but she is a darlin lady and we are going to get along just fine.

Anyways,  for some reason... today seems so much LONGER than a regular day. There are exactly the same amount of minutes today as there was yesterday. I CHECKED. And yet, I'm weary. I'm sure tomorrow everything that needs to be done will get accomplished. I'm sure that things will be studied, people will be appeased, laundry will get done. But in the meantime... I'm taking a moment to listen to the giggling little boys talking about how silly their momma is and I think there was a fart joke in there too somewheres... And, although I'm weary, and I'm overwhelmed with situations and underwhelmed with people... I am absolute in my faith that there may be no luckier momma than me. And for this lifetime, that's enough. Jus Sayin.