Trying hard not to be creepy.

I think in funny thoughts. Things make me laugh all by myself. I talk to myself. ALL THE TIME. Sometimes my mouth ACTUALLY moves. I admit it. I have a large inner world. I was an only child and I suppose I just learned to entertain myself. I know other only children and my particular method of self entertainment seems to be rare.. almost like a malady. A disease if you will.

ANYWAYS, Most of the time, there is a serious amount of sarcasm going on in my head. Like.. put that girl on medication kind of sarcasm. And.. then, sometimes it's CREEPY quiet in here. No inspiration, no funny, no hilarious way to look at something. Just me and my head.. hanging out.. CREEPY style. I read somewheres that people get depressed on facebook because they see so many people having perfect lives. WHO HAS ONE OF THOSE? Not me, that's for CERTAIN. I'm cheerful most of the time, sure.. but OH there are DAYS. GOOD GRACIOUS!!

 So I'm here. I'm hanging on. My life isn't perfect but most days it can make me laugh. I hope someday soon.. because I need a little comedic relief. Also, I get all CREEPED out if my head is too quiet for too long. Makes me worry. Also, all the little voices keep me company. Muahhhhhhhh......CREEPY? Lil bit. Jus sayin.

                                             I'm so creepy. I just scared myself.

I survived, BARELY.

So yesterday I went into the woods and STAYED... like a camper. Because, for the first time ever.. I caved and helped take the boys camping. I was hoping that the boys would find it a magical experience full of wonder and woodsiness...and they did. YAY!!!

Um, me however.. well, I feel like CAMPING should be a rare occasion! I'm glad I did it OF COURSE.  My kids had a ball. We went with some great friends that have some of the best teenagers on the PLANET. And we CAMPED. We stayed, in WOODS, OVERNIGHT.  I must admit, I have never done such a thing.
Annnd, NOW I know ALL the reasons why:
1) I'm not outdoorsy, AT ALL.
2) I will act like I'm dying if I get too cold when I'm trying to sleep.
3) I seriously will give up the will to live around 3am if I can't feel my face.
4) I will be called out as "Hey, fancy camper" from some random dude and I will NOD AWKWARDLY because... I HAVE NO RESPONSE TO THAT.
5) If I have nothing else to do, I will just sit and EAT for HOURS.
6) I will ALWAYS need the restroom more if it's farther away. I think that's like SCIENCE or something.
7) I have an unlimited ability to kill spiders. I don't care if they are harmless or not, if they crawl by me, they will DIE.
8) If you want me to take a hike, please include something AWESOME at the end, like TWIZZLERS or unlimited PUPPIES... because if I walk in the woods for two miles, I want to be impressed and nature is probably NOT GOING TO CUT IT.
9) If I'm in a "No service" zone for too long, I start to get TWITCHY.
10) I believe in a good pillow, warm sheets, walls, bathrooms, and electricity.

Amen and Amen. JUS SAYIN.

Camping and Shenanigans and Bears Oh my....

So here's the deal. I'm NOT an outdoorsy person.  When I was a young child, I learned to shoot, play in the woods, cliff jump, and did it all while wearing camo's.  Then I realized I was a GIRL and never did any of that stuff again. That's why when "camping" is brought up to me, I find myself shuddering and in general pretty horrified. It has been explained to me that the "children" will find this experience important. It was also explained to me that I had not a single pair of suitable shoes to accomplish this mission. Well, of COURSE I DON'T... because I DON'T CAMP. THAT'S WHY. So, because I LOVE my kids and also my friends, I have decided to be a good sport. To "Camp" ... which even when I TYPE it sounds RIDICULOUS.

(my rugged boots, hat, shirt, Southern Charm glass,  and my FUHMAZING caboodle.)

Sooo... I had to go shopping, OBVIOUSLY. I had not a single thing to wear to said "camping adventure" and besides, when I find anything to horrifying in itself, if I can shop for it, it makes it better somehow. I bought the hat, the shoes, and the "rugged clothing".  I also bought a "caboodle"  that holds all the make-up etc... that is NECESSARY to LIFE.  My Southern Charm glass is a Mason jar on STILTS if you will... sooooo.....I think I'm ready. I hope I'm ready. If not, I'm out in the woods, with kids... so.... that thought is upsetting. Like SUPER upsetting. To be fair, I'm probably sleeping in the car, or maybe the nearest Motel. I'm serious. I'm a good sport, but it can be pushed to far. Let pray y'all. Jus SAYIN.

Don't Mess with Texas

Soooo... I've been waiting on my new car. Annnnnddd by waiting, I mean.. it was originally forecasted for JULY.  I have tried patience... to little avail. I have tried passive aggressiveness.... more fun, but still not really successful. I have tried kindess, adorableness, and general sweetness... also NOT successful. Then I remembered I'm a Texas girl, and we don't like to lose. Sooooo with little options left and a weary opponent... I reveal... MAYHEM.

 Yeah... this is my new plan. My husband travels a lot... and I've decided I'm keeping his car hostage until I get mine. It was a slllloooowww transition. I mean.. terrorist don't really let you KNOW what they are planning, but it was a sllllooooww... "I'll go ahead and take YOUR car to the store." and a "Why don't you just take MY car to the airport?" sort of take over.. And now?

TOTAL MAYHEM

The car is my hostage.

I explained to the husband that the youngest had eaten his breakfast on the way to school in his car.  I listened to the increase squeaky panic in his voice when I mentioned (oh so very casually) that we were coming home from getting ice cream.  I love little questions like " Dear, did you know that when Tyler stands on the elbow rest, he can TOTALLY stick his head out the window?" Or.. "Hey, your stereo used to be louder and now it's just like RATTLING... what's that about?"

I'm Evil. I'm okay with it.

I thought this would also be a REALLY good week to teach the kids to park.

Trent got the hang of it pretty quickly. I think it would have been easier if I hadn't been asking him to be "cool". I mean because that shits important.

Tyler had a harder time, but I think it's because he's only six and he couldn't see over the steering wheel. Not to worry, I'm sure those new scratches will buff out in no time.

I surely do hope this car situation can be resolved shortly. For all our sakes. Because frankly, it's just TRULY not a good idea to mess with Texas. Never ever.  Jus Sayin.

 A preview of next week ideas:

:

Oh Good Grief... Just GO WITH IT.

Apparently... and this has been pointed out to me. I get myself into odd situations. Adventures, really. They are typically pretty hard to explain. Typically pretty hard to foresee and mostly , and this is key...  mostly they happen daily.  I would be dramatic here... but I already am, so that would be a little much. My point being, I am often involved in the most RANDOM shenanigans.

Today I had to : 1) Clean, 2) Cook 3) Shop (for boring stuff like TRASH BAGS)... (which I forgot, AGAIN) 4) Care for a friends child annnd.... that was it. Simple. BORING. But SIMPLE.  Supposably. It was all a big fat LIE.

I did clean a bit. Kept the chaos from overtaking us. Then I TOTALLY forgot to drop of my childs birthday invitations.. because I'm THAT person. So I had to run to the school... and that's where everything breaks down really.

I went to the school to drop off the invitations. Apparently it was grandparents day. WHO KNEW? Not me....awesome.
I went to lunch... but then I didn't like the menu, so I had to leave the cafe, dragging my friend behind me. I don't "do" fancy and VEGETABLES. Ew.
We then went to a new place that apparently was hosting EVERY auto mechanic between here and Columbus. Interesting. But not in a good way.
I then went to Target.  I found a hat a Target. A can NOT live without it  Turkey hat. WHY? I do NOT know. Other than, if life offers you the opportunity to wear a turkey hat in the middle of the day, then you should BY GOD take that opportunity, because who KNOWS when that will happen again.
I then picked up the kids. Because I love them. Also, I'm a FANTASTIC mother. If being a FANTASTIC mother consists of remembering that you have children waiting for you on the side of the road.
I then got my friends darling kiddo... lumped her in with my other two and proceeded to finish everything that I had started earlier in the day.... and THEN... BAM. No internet.
Seriously, I'm not trying to be dramatic. But I would rather not have WATER, than no internet. Mkay, so maybe that's a tiny bit dramatic, but you get the gist.
So, ........................ I called Customer Service.

After I listend to a LOT of bad "hold music" I got to speak to "Amy". I put it in quotes because I'm VERY sure that was not her name.  Anyways. Hours later, I had a solution. My modem was a piece of sh*t. Swell. Great. Get me a new one.  Then "Amy" informed me that it would be $150... after I stopped laughing I told her NO... (That's good SHOE money right DER!) ..then I got transferred... to AMERICA. Amen.  Anyways, long story short... too LATE.. I got my modem  and I got if for free... but I had to go GET IT. In Newnan. Dumb.

Anyways, my point is. Again.. and this happens a LOT. I have no point. Other than if you are around me, you may get sucked INTO my vortex. I'm SORRY.. ahead of time. You may end up having to wear a Turkey hat. In my world, that's a bonus. Glass Half FULL...Jus Sayin.

P.S. - My apologies to Eryn Bentley for dragging her out of the cafe.
P.P.S. - My apologies to Stephanie Haasenritter if her child had to much candy. She did. I'll just go ahead and tell you.
P.S.S. - My apologies to "Amy"... when I said "MY GOD WOMAN, wouldn't it just be easier if you give me what I want now" may not have translated well. Sorry. Seriously.

P..... - My apologies to whomever went to Target to get a turkey hat. THEY ARE ALL MINE NOW. M'kay.. I'm not reaaaallly sorry about that one.

The High Road, the Back Porch, and the SHOES that come with it.

Okay, to be honest... I wrote the TITLE before the blog. Now I feel all pressured to include, being superior, the back porch, and SHOES in this blog... Let's see how it goes..

Anyways, It's been one of the days folks. Not a bad day really... just a HOT day made interesting with a little extra drama thrown in here and there for effect. I have this facebook account you see... and it gets me in trouble from time to time. I mean sometimes... people act like a fool and I feel the need to say a "tiny" little something or even a whole PARAGRAPH sometimes. My point is... it's the devil's gateway, really.  So I got this snotty ass email. The superior tone, the "air quotes" around "woman" and I thought.... Hmmm... what did I think? Yeah, Jesus loves them so I don't have to?!  Yayayayayayayayyay! Best news I've had all day.

                                  (Me all like "YAYAY, Jesus loves them so I don't have too)

But.. alas and alack... the high road calls me. I honestly don't love the high road. It's nice, but it's not as satisfying as it could be sometimes... and yet. Here I sit. Allllllll superior. I LIKE IT. I had to make a conscious decision, to 1) let it get me all upset, because I reeeeallly care what someone who I never see thinks of me, or 2) WHO CARES?... life goes on. I got real stuff to worry about...like the Sharpstown Frog population! So after CAREFUL consideration of MANY minutes.. I decided to Take the HIGH ROAD. But then, as problems present themselves on a journey, I realized. I TOTALLY need new shoes for the high road, because it's all paved and stuff, OBVIOUSLY.... and I can't be unprepared.  So then I got new shiny red high heeled shoes, and sat and the back porch and got very, very, very, smug. Turns out the high road is LOVELY this time of year. As for the "air quotes" and rudeness... (with my tongue securely in my cheek) Well, Bless their heart. Jus Sayin.

I'm blogging because I can Not SLEEPPPPPP.....

So, I'm trying to sleep. But, alas and alack.. nothing. So, in an effort not to become so desperate as to dig up  the passwords for my myspace account.. I sit. Trying to convince myself that I am TIRED. When unfortunately I know I am very much NOT tired at all. Which as you can see.. is a dilema. Obviously.
So, in an effort to entertain myself I have done the following:

1) Read up on how to work Imovie, but lost interest before I got to any of the actual "HELPFUL" information...like "RECORD"

2) Opened up my email. There are currently somewhere around 40,000 emails in there. Got overwhelmed. Put it off till tomorrow.  ( Also, if you sent me one in the last month, you should prolly just resend.Kthanks)

3) Got a message that I forgot to pay my phone bill. ( I'm thinking that has something to do with my ignoring email for a month? Wierd.)

4) Tried to fix the phone bill issue, but lost interest...patience.... whatever.. It will be there tomorrow. I think. hope. etc.

5) Realized that I can tell when I used a purse last based on the large cache of receipts and the dates I find inside.

6) Realized I have a LOT of receipts for the oddest things.

7) Is probably going to forever wonder what "Household Item 281 was, and why I spent 19.99 on it. "

8) While watching "Hoarders on TLC" I realize that I have a LOT of purses. Made a note to shove them far back in the closet. Mumble to myself that it's all "totally normal" to have that many...hide them under the shoes...which then really panics me. Ignore. Denial.  Move on.

9) Flipped my pillow like a HUNDRED times and there was never a "cold side" which is really irritating.

10)...wrote a nonsensical blog about trying to sleep when I can't... so yeah, that too. Jus Sayin.