Hair Dryers...

My Hair dryer died. Before you dismiss this as a paltry sadness, please know that I have had this hair dryer longer than my youngest child. It was a Chi, so as I recall it was expensive and it was perfect. It made ions go away or something and it made the drying time less and it was a miracle in a little black wind blowing machine. AND IT DIED. It did not warn me that it was no longer interested in working. It JUST QUIT. I felt betrayed but resigned to it's fate. It's had a rough life. I almost felt like it needed a special burial in the backyard...

Anyways, I had to go about the business of replacing it. They were far more expensive that I recalled. I also noticed that if I ordered it from the wrong place it didn't come with a warranty.. hmmmmm...  So there came a point where I realized what store had it (approx 10 phone calls later) and made sure they had some in stock and headed up there. Unfortunately I had the Mister with me. I would NEVER choose to take that man to ANY beauty store EVER. I prefer to leave some mysteries unsolved and my hair care is best left up to his imagination and my credit card and THEN I SAW IT. There was a computer store nearby. PERFECT. It's like the god's were smiling on me.  I sent him one way and I entered the STORE OF BEAUTY. I found her.. on a shelf.. like she was waiting for me. She was purple, green, silvery.. she had ions and speeds and promises of perfect hair and she was a SHIT TON of money.. so I looked at her. I checked her out from all sides. I checked the "Ion" reduction. I checked the 'Reduction of drying time" It was all there. She was just waiting to reach her final home. MY HOME. So I grabbed her. I hugged her much like a little girl would with her favorite dolly and I walked FORCEFULLY to the cash register.. (I picked up a few other things on the way, but let's be honest I was already in trouble ANYWAYS. In for a penny, in for a pound)  And I got the final total. It was a TON. Like a lot. Like only a Chi can cost.. (especially one with all the pretty colors and the ion reduction etc..) And I KNEW it was worth it. Like wash my hair even if I didn't need to worth it. And I was HAPPY. Super JOYFUL.

However, the time to cross the street had come. Time to enter the computer store of BORING and hopefully ARTFULLY Dodge pricing questions. When I walked in I SAW IT. A computer system I knew we needed. The old one was ancient. The children were limping along on a pitiful thing called a computer... And then it happened. I convinced the Mister that we needed that new system and he forgot to ask me about how much my hair dryer was.  And that is was I like to call a DIVERSION... And that's the way a pro does it ladies. Now here I sit.. with the worlds most perfect hair dryer.. and I know what I did.. I can admit it and I'm totally comfortable with it.. because I have IONS and SPEEDS and it's purply/silvery and it's lovely. Amen.  I'm jus Sayin.

Things that go bump in the night.

   I'm not an easily frightened girl. I don't cower in closets when scared and I'm far more likely to punch a creeper in the face than to stand there and just let my (imaginary murderer) kill me. I remember once LONG ago Kerry thought it would be funny to wait for me and jump out of the dark. I'd decked him square in the face before I even realized who he was. My point being... I don't like things that go bump in the night. I'd rather see it right in front of me and deal with it.  I may lose, but I will however,  take everything I can down with me. I'm sorry sir... did you need this wrist? I'm afraid I'm going to be trying to break that. That eyeball? You attached to that sir? I have really sharp nails and I'm aiming there first. This is logical to me. This is normal. However, it's the things that I can not see that really scare me.

   That noise that's far off in the house.. I realize it's probably just a loose shutter, but I have a vivid imagination. It's that guy from the horror movie with the chainsaw. I never saw that horror movie, but I saw the commercials and that was enough. That faint whistling? Well... that's just the wind. OR, it's a very whistley (made up word) bad guy and he's trying to give me fair warning that he's coming with a very sharp knife. I own a gun. I'm not a bad shot. I think I could hit some vital organs should I need too. Anyways, I'm pretty sure NONE of the distress compares to the way I feel about those I love though. I can worry about me, but when it comes to the people I care about.. there is no limit to the crazy. Of course the things that go "bump in the night" for them can be vastly different situations. It isn't all chainsaw murderers and crazed psycho clowns, sometimes it's a boy/girl or sometimes it's a family situation.. sometimes it's just so something so painful that there is no protocol for dealing with said disaster. However...Bottom Line.. I shall still come out fighting. May the best crazy person win and I'm armed and dangerous, also I have the AHMAZING ability to turn on the light. So take that... "things that go bump in the night" and stuff it.  Jus Sayin.

Trying hard not to be creepy.

I think in funny thoughts. Things make me laugh all by myself. I talk to myself. ALL THE TIME. Sometimes my mouth ACTUALLY moves. I admit it. I have a large inner world. I was an only child and I suppose I just learned to entertain myself. I know other only children and my particular method of self entertainment seems to be rare.. almost like a malady. A disease if you will.

ANYWAYS, Most of the time, there is a serious amount of sarcasm going on in my head. Like.. put that girl on medication kind of sarcasm. And.. then, sometimes it's CREEPY quiet in here. No inspiration, no funny, no hilarious way to look at something. Just me and my head.. hanging out.. CREEPY style. I read somewheres that people get depressed on facebook because they see so many people having perfect lives. WHO HAS ONE OF THOSE? Not me, that's for CERTAIN. I'm cheerful most of the time, sure.. but OH there are DAYS. GOOD GRACIOUS!!

 So I'm here. I'm hanging on. My life isn't perfect but most days it can make me laugh. I hope someday soon.. because I need a little comedic relief. Also, I get all CREEPED out if my head is too quiet for too long. Makes me worry. Also, all the little voices keep me company. Muahhhhhhhh......CREEPY? Lil bit. Jus sayin.

                                             I'm so creepy. I just scared myself.

I survived, BARELY.

So yesterday I went into the woods and STAYED... like a camper. Because, for the first time ever.. I caved and helped take the boys camping. I was hoping that the boys would find it a magical experience full of wonder and woodsiness...and they did. YAY!!!

Um, me however.. well, I feel like CAMPING should be a rare occasion! I'm glad I did it OF COURSE.  My kids had a ball. We went with some great friends that have some of the best teenagers on the PLANET. And we CAMPED. We stayed, in WOODS, OVERNIGHT.  I must admit, I have never done such a thing.
Annnd, NOW I know ALL the reasons why:
1) I'm not outdoorsy, AT ALL.
2) I will act like I'm dying if I get too cold when I'm trying to sleep.
3) I seriously will give up the will to live around 3am if I can't feel my face.
4) I will be called out as "Hey, fancy camper" from some random dude and I will NOD AWKWARDLY because... I HAVE NO RESPONSE TO THAT.
5) If I have nothing else to do, I will just sit and EAT for HOURS.
6) I will ALWAYS need the restroom more if it's farther away. I think that's like SCIENCE or something.
7) I have an unlimited ability to kill spiders. I don't care if they are harmless or not, if they crawl by me, they will DIE.
8) If you want me to take a hike, please include something AWESOME at the end, like TWIZZLERS or unlimited PUPPIES... because if I walk in the woods for two miles, I want to be impressed and nature is probably NOT GOING TO CUT IT.
9) If I'm in a "No service" zone for too long, I start to get TWITCHY.
10) I believe in a good pillow, warm sheets, walls, bathrooms, and electricity.

Amen and Amen. JUS SAYIN.

Camping and Shenanigans and Bears Oh my....

So here's the deal. I'm NOT an outdoorsy person.  When I was a young child, I learned to shoot, play in the woods, cliff jump, and did it all while wearing camo's.  Then I realized I was a GIRL and never did any of that stuff again. That's why when "camping" is brought up to me, I find myself shuddering and in general pretty horrified. It has been explained to me that the "children" will find this experience important. It was also explained to me that I had not a single pair of suitable shoes to accomplish this mission. Well, of COURSE I DON'T... because I DON'T CAMP. THAT'S WHY. So, because I LOVE my kids and also my friends, I have decided to be a good sport. To "Camp" ... which even when I TYPE it sounds RIDICULOUS.

(my rugged boots, hat, shirt, Southern Charm glass,  and my FUHMAZING caboodle.)

Sooo... I had to go shopping, OBVIOUSLY. I had not a single thing to wear to said "camping adventure" and besides, when I find anything to horrifying in itself, if I can shop for it, it makes it better somehow. I bought the hat, the shoes, and the "rugged clothing".  I also bought a "caboodle"  that holds all the make-up etc... that is NECESSARY to LIFE.  My Southern Charm glass is a Mason jar on STILTS if you will... sooooo.....I think I'm ready. I hope I'm ready. If not, I'm out in the woods, with kids... so.... that thought is upsetting. Like SUPER upsetting. To be fair, I'm probably sleeping in the car, or maybe the nearest Motel. I'm serious. I'm a good sport, but it can be pushed to far. Let pray y'all. Jus SAYIN.

Don't Mess with Texas

Soooo... I've been waiting on my new car. Annnnnddd by waiting, I mean.. it was originally forecasted for JULY.  I have tried patience... to little avail. I have tried passive aggressiveness.... more fun, but still not really successful. I have tried kindess, adorableness, and general sweetness... also NOT successful. Then I remembered I'm a Texas girl, and we don't like to lose. Sooooo with little options left and a weary opponent... I reveal... MAYHEM.

 Yeah... this is my new plan. My husband travels a lot... and I've decided I'm keeping his car hostage until I get mine. It was a slllloooowww transition. I mean.. terrorist don't really let you KNOW what they are planning, but it was a sllllooooww... "I'll go ahead and take YOUR car to the store." and a "Why don't you just take MY car to the airport?" sort of take over.. And now?

TOTAL MAYHEM

The car is my hostage.

I explained to the husband that the youngest had eaten his breakfast on the way to school in his car.  I listened to the increase squeaky panic in his voice when I mentioned (oh so very casually) that we were coming home from getting ice cream.  I love little questions like " Dear, did you know that when Tyler stands on the elbow rest, he can TOTALLY stick his head out the window?" Or.. "Hey, your stereo used to be louder and now it's just like RATTLING... what's that about?"

I'm Evil. I'm okay with it.

I thought this would also be a REALLY good week to teach the kids to park.

Trent got the hang of it pretty quickly. I think it would have been easier if I hadn't been asking him to be "cool". I mean because that shits important.

Tyler had a harder time, but I think it's because he's only six and he couldn't see over the steering wheel. Not to worry, I'm sure those new scratches will buff out in no time.

I surely do hope this car situation can be resolved shortly. For all our sakes. Because frankly, it's just TRULY not a good idea to mess with Texas. Never ever.  Jus Sayin.

 A preview of next week ideas:

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Oh Good Grief... Just GO WITH IT.

Apparently... and this has been pointed out to me. I get myself into odd situations. Adventures, really. They are typically pretty hard to explain. Typically pretty hard to foresee and mostly , and this is key...  mostly they happen daily.  I would be dramatic here... but I already am, so that would be a little much. My point being, I am often involved in the most RANDOM shenanigans.

Today I had to : 1) Clean, 2) Cook 3) Shop (for boring stuff like TRASH BAGS)... (which I forgot, AGAIN) 4) Care for a friends child annnd.... that was it. Simple. BORING. But SIMPLE.  Supposably. It was all a big fat LIE.

I did clean a bit. Kept the chaos from overtaking us. Then I TOTALLY forgot to drop of my childs birthday invitations.. because I'm THAT person. So I had to run to the school... and that's where everything breaks down really.

I went to the school to drop off the invitations. Apparently it was grandparents day. WHO KNEW? Not me....awesome.
I went to lunch... but then I didn't like the menu, so I had to leave the cafe, dragging my friend behind me. I don't "do" fancy and VEGETABLES. Ew.
We then went to a new place that apparently was hosting EVERY auto mechanic between here and Columbus. Interesting. But not in a good way.
I then went to Target.  I found a hat a Target. A can NOT live without it  Turkey hat. WHY? I do NOT know. Other than, if life offers you the opportunity to wear a turkey hat in the middle of the day, then you should BY GOD take that opportunity, because who KNOWS when that will happen again.
I then picked up the kids. Because I love them. Also, I'm a FANTASTIC mother. If being a FANTASTIC mother consists of remembering that you have children waiting for you on the side of the road.
I then got my friends darling kiddo... lumped her in with my other two and proceeded to finish everything that I had started earlier in the day.... and THEN... BAM. No internet.
Seriously, I'm not trying to be dramatic. But I would rather not have WATER, than no internet. Mkay, so maybe that's a tiny bit dramatic, but you get the gist.
So, ........................ I called Customer Service.

After I listend to a LOT of bad "hold music" I got to speak to "Amy". I put it in quotes because I'm VERY sure that was not her name.  Anyways. Hours later, I had a solution. My modem was a piece of sh*t. Swell. Great. Get me a new one.  Then "Amy" informed me that it would be $150... after I stopped laughing I told her NO... (That's good SHOE money right DER!) ..then I got transferred... to AMERICA. Amen.  Anyways, long story short... too LATE.. I got my modem  and I got if for free... but I had to go GET IT. In Newnan. Dumb.

Anyways, my point is. Again.. and this happens a LOT. I have no point. Other than if you are around me, you may get sucked INTO my vortex. I'm SORRY.. ahead of time. You may end up having to wear a Turkey hat. In my world, that's a bonus. Glass Half FULL...Jus Sayin.

P.S. - My apologies to Eryn Bentley for dragging her out of the cafe.
P.P.S. - My apologies to Stephanie Haasenritter if her child had to much candy. She did. I'll just go ahead and tell you.
P.S.S. - My apologies to "Amy"... when I said "MY GOD WOMAN, wouldn't it just be easier if you give me what I want now" may not have translated well. Sorry. Seriously.

P..... - My apologies to whomever went to Target to get a turkey hat. THEY ARE ALL MINE NOW. M'kay.. I'm not reaaaallly sorry about that one.