Women.

I've been thinking a lot about women. The legacy that is women. We are approximately 50% of this population in this amazing and sometimes disappointing world. How we handle it. How we manage it. How we view it. It makes us. It makes the people around us. It's important. It's damn important. It's our legacy. Soooooo...

I've been thinking of my grandmothers. Women forged of steel. Mighty women, to whom if I'm to be compared too at any point soon.. I will fall miserably short. Because.. they were made of stern stuff.  Stuff that could be washed in hot, and dried on high. Stuff that didn't get bothered when they saw someone that they didn't like. They were tough. They had to be.

I knew Ruth Wyatt a short time. She was tiny. Little. Five foot of wispy. She scared the heck out of anyone who dared cross her. How? Well, that's the secret isn't it? I have no idea. She had a great laugh. She had a great sense of humor. And when she left this Earth.. not long after I had met her.. she impacted me. She told me I had "a rod of iron" up my back.. which I think might have been a polite way of telling me I was stubborn. She was right.

I knew Vallie Mae Morris longer.. so her impact was more. She was a STUBBORN woman. She had large hands. She had a large heart. She had one thousand pics of my kids and thought they hung the moon. She lived through the depression.. right up until a few years ago. She was formidable. She was hilarious. She didn't understand racism.. so she explained how wrong it was about every time I saw her. No amount of telling her that that was a long time ago seemed to matter. Her son had polio. Her husband went to war. She lived through 70's fashion. She did it with a sense of duty and honor. And she did it well. When she left this Earth, it was time.. but it was one less person that thought my kids were as perfect as I thought they were. And I miss her. I used to sit with her on Saturdays and she would spin stories.. and gracious I HOPE not every one of them was true.

There is Myra Bovino Thomas. She's my adopted grandmother. Not just adults can adopt, sometimes kids can do it too. (True Story) She is.. Sparkly. Her laugh is the what I grew up listening too. She is a soundtrack of sparkly and happy and love.  She would tell me what was "lady like" and what wasn't. She despaired that I would ever wear matching socks.. and the last time I saw her.. she called me "vivacious" and  "sparkly". It was ironic, because that is what I think of her. It ranks as the nicest compliment I have ever received and I'm keeping it right next to my kids first hugs and the memory of listening to them breathe as they sleep.

Then there is Maria Thomas. My grandmother. She likes to be pretty. She hates it when her make-up isn't on. She speaks spanish when she gets mad. (Which is so damn cool) She's a fierce little woman with an attitude I can appreciate. I heard her tell stories to me this week. For the first time in a long time, I heard her voice and her lilting tone and she explained little things here and there. My cousin and I went and redecorated her room. Because she needed something special. Something that was uniquely hers. A woman that has always been surrounded by pretty things, adjusting to life that isn't as pretty as she would like it....

And I think about our legacy. As women. Not just to those of us who have kiddos, but to all of us.  I wonder. Im pretty sure I did nothing impressive today. I yelled when my son didn't listen. I cussed the damn dog. I got frustrated when I found a mess I didn't know about. In the history books, this day of mine was a big fat failure... but... OHHHHH... on these days... I think of these four women. I hope they had days where they felt they failed. I hope they had days when they conquered the world. I hope they had days, where surviving was just good enough. I hope I'm lucky enough to have someone consider my legacy one day. Consider how I impacted them. Even if it was something as simple as being really ridiculous stubborn, being very serious about hating racism, a laugh that is just happy perfection, or just looking for beauty in everyday things.  I hope I get it. I hope in the overall scheme of things, I don't get too lost. And what is ridiculously clear to me at One AM will be as clear to be at Seven AM.. Being a woman is a definite gift that I treasure. I suppose the rest is up to me.
The "me" legacy.
The part of me that is remembered.
I suppose it's okay if it's remembered that there was a fair amount of cussing in there somewhere.
Because there TOTALLY WAS.
Just Sayin.

Ain't nobody got time for dat

I Ain't got time for dat....

I sit here tonight.
I am tired for NO REASON.
I did nothing amazing.
I accomplished nothing awesome.
There was dinner.
There was homework.
There were kids.
I'm another day older and deeper in debt.
(I went shopping online... got killer boots.. but, I digress)
I wrote something witty.
I felt dull. Like REALLY DULL.
I hugged my kids, lots.
I told my kiddos that I loved them, bunches.
I failed at something, I'm sure of it.
I ate too many cheese doodles.
I looked at the scale.. and then gave that object the finger of disdain.
I cried a lil bit.
I'm a woman, I'm allowed to have no reason.
I had a reason, but it was a dumb one.
I had a glass of wine.
I had another glass of wine.
I watched a murder show.
I noticed three new wrinkles.
I quit.
I hoped that everyone I know is safe and sound.
I know there is no good way to know that.
I got sad.
I blamed folks for that.
I recognized that they were unaware that I blamed them.
I got angry at that fact.
I sat in a good pout for about thirty minutes......
and then I realized... the ultimate truth in all of it.
It was another day.
My kids are lovely.
As for IMMENSE self pity, or female hysterics....

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR DAT.

Hi. I'm random.

Hello working internet! It's been YEARS.. or four days.. I don't know, I lost count. ANYWAYS.. glad everyone appears to be in one piece. No new wars, so that's good. I hear all the new TV shows are back.. I dunno... I can't be bothered to watch anything on live television anymore. Also, if it doesn't have to do with murder, I'm not that interested. In fact, if anything happens to anyone, my TIVO is going to be exhibit A in my murder trial.. and for the record I WON'T BE GUILTY BUT THAT WON'T MATTER.  I've watched enough crime drama to know that for sure.

Anyways, I'm rambling.. because... well, I'm not watching television and facebook is only getting so interesting. I got stuck on one of those mass email thingies.. No big deal, right? WRONG. You would think that the most horrifying thing someone had ever dealt with was being on a mass email. Listen, in the scale of 1(hangnail)- 10 (serious trauma).. it's a -5... so BREATHE. Don't post the thing if you don't want to post the thing.. and for GOODNESS SAKES.. BREATHE.  Or Lord help us all when the serious situation of a hangnail comes up, it's probably just a good idea to have 911 on speed dial. Just a thought.


Also, side note.. squirrels are evil. This has nothing to do with the blog, but just needed to be stated.

Ahhhh.. I feel better now.

Good Talk.
Jus Sayin.

Smile. Just because. 

Beautiful. Why be anything else? (FYI- Guaranteed to bore all men)

I have been hammered over the head lately with the topic of  beauty. Not in a fun way either. In a FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, get a grip already kind of way. It's been an interesting revelation and one that I find to be most awkward.  However, it's got me thinking.. so here goes.

Beauty. What is it? People say it's in the eye of the beholder. Hmm.. Not sure I agree with that. Sure, someone that looks at you can perceive you in one way or another.. but What do YOU THINK ABOUT YOU? Isn't that more important?  I have beautiful friends that all look differently. I have friends with purple hair. I have friends with small tattoos. I have friends with big tattoos. I have friends that are decidedly on the short side and friends that are most definitely on the tall side.The one thing they have in common... to me, is they are all unique in a special way that makes them... Beautiful.

People tend to see beauty in different ways. It's different for all of us isn't it?

There is nothing quite as beautiful (to me) when a son looks at their mom and thinks she's beautiful , she may have a blob of ketchup on her clothing and be wearing flip flops. To him, she is the world, the moon and the stars. There are days I feel so incredibly gross. Sad, bummed out.. fugly. And there are days where I feel fabulous and like I own it. I believe I'll chalk it up to my general FEMALENESS.  We are all allowed to have our days, right?

I saw a saying the other day that said "Every woman needs to be told that she's beautiful until she believes it" I'm not sure I agree with that AT ALL. I think once you start listening to how others perceive you.. you give away some of your power to feel confident and beautiful on your own. I think we have our beauty within us and we all show it differently. Whether the style is flip flops or stilettos, it's about being comfortable in our own skin. Right? What is more beautiful than a woman who is comfortable in just being herself and owning it? I recently was accused of some very nasty vile things, but when I thought about it... when I really thought about it.. I remembered something amazing. I am me. It clearly infuriates them. I'm okay with that. I'll be happy. They can be miserable. As long as they keep their misery away from me. It's fine. Enjoy. Seems a soul sick way to be.. but I won't judge. Maybe that's the way some people need to see the world?

A unicorn. 

When a woman compliments another woman, it's my very favorite kind of compliment. It's not about what they can do for each other, it's not about ulterior motives.. it's about a genuine appreciation for another person.  Isn't our time better spent building each other up?  To those that can't understand that? Well, maybe it's just because they have an ugly life complex. Or ugly shoes. Or ugly self esteem. Or an ugly SOUL.  Meanwhile, I think I'll just choose to see the beauty in others, and depending on the day I may see it myself or I may not. (Because I have a lil something called BEING A WOMAN happening)

Rollin with Sparkles. 

 Soooo... I'll just be me and I'll own it, freckles and all. I have chicklets for teeth, a crooked smile, eyes the color of muddy lake water and a scar in the middle of my forehead.. because apparently at three I COULD NOT RESIST scratching at it. But, hey.. I'm me.  I'll wear my make up and do my hair, (most days) because I enjoy it, and if I see you in shorts and flip flops.. well, thats beautiful to me, because thats who you are. In my humble opinion we should never try and be someone else to make others happy. We should just be us. Women. Because every woman is beautiful in her own way. . And for those that can't understand, please have the decency to just be bitter, hateful and soul sick to yourself and leave the rest of us ALONE.  Meanwhile, in my humble opinion, we should all just be busy being the best original sparkly beautiful US we can be.  Because why would we want to be anything else? Just my humble opinion.  I'm Jus Sayin.

Sparkle shorts and McDonalds. 

Time

It t'would seem that in these long days and shorter nights, I am reminded of time. It marches on. Regardless of who we are. Our stature. Our lives. Our direction. It marches forward. We can not go back. Ever. When we look at a mistake it is always in hindsight. We don't get Xray vision into the future. More is the pity.

(I'm crying because I hated my hair AND my shoes. True Story)

(I'm happy because I liked both my hair AND my shoes. Again, true story.)

If I could go back in time, I would tell myself a TON of things... I would advise against a perm. For certian. I would make sure the blue and pink glasses didn't happen. I would rethink the blue eyeshadow, absolutely. I would choose NOT to take the quicker route and end up plunging my blue Honda over a hill. I would play volleyball more. I would DEFINITELY tell the asshole sexist preacher man to "Eat a butt" with more unction. (I'll still always be happy that I pissed him off regularly.. glass half full)  I would apply myself for more than three minutes to a musical instrument. I'm making my kid do this.. he doesn't understand yet, but one day he will. I would appreciate my crazy mother more. She's crazy, but she's mine.. and she worked hard, always. I would definitely take back 18-24 yr old "I know everything attitude". That must have been exhausting to everyone around. I like the knowledge far better than I know next to NOTHING and am learning something new around every corner. I'd enjoy my youth a little more. I spent the majority of my twenties being forty.. Now, it's reversed.. harder this way around for sure!

(I hope they remember to always be silly)

When my sons talk... and talk... and talk... and TALK.. I'm reminded that I never shut up either.. that I probably handed that down to them with a host of other traits they are going to have to deal with. I hope they realize how fleeting time actually is. I hope they realize that as I sit.. and I blink with irritation at the CONSTANT chatter I hear.. that it's marching on. We have changed our conversations from Elmo and Barney to girls and computer software. I don't remember when that happened. I don't know how it happened. But... I think for me.. I'll choose to be in this time. Wherever this is. I'll lose my mind. I'll yell at the kids when they drive me bonkers. I'll MARVEL at the youngest ones ability to destroy a room and I'll MARVEL at the oldest ones ability to play minecraft.   I'll be in this time. I'll enjoy it. I'll love the people I want too with a ferocity.  I'll question total authority, ALWAYS. I'll NEVER get a perm EVER AGAIN. When I look back.. I hope I can say that I remember at least some of the good stuff and have forgotten most of the bad. (The youngest started an experiment in the bathroom.. I don't even know how to begin cleaning) I hope I remember my sense of humor. I hope I remember that one time I too tried an experiment with pots and toothpaste in the bathroom that went horribly wrong.  I hope I'll remember to enjoy time as it marches past me. I also hope it goes just a little slower when they are asleep, because I'm tired. Jus Sayin.

(Muh boys)

Adventurin....:)

    Recently I was presented with a last minute chance to go to San Franscisco. Now.. I've been there before, I think I was around eighteen or so and it was very intimidating to me. Of course, now that I think about it.. I think EVERYTHING was intimidating to me at eighteen. Of course I also think I knew everything.. so I must have been pretty FUN.. OBVIOUSLY. ANYWAYS. I am not really an adventurer. I've always been the type that likes to have a plan. I like to know where I am. I like sameness and security and I HATE to be lost. Which happens frequently enough, but still I HATE IT.  Anyways.. I decided a couple of years ago that I was going to STOP being initimidated by adventurous things. This made my mother very happy although she still dissappoves of my wardrobe... so glass half full on that one.  So off to San Fran I went with absolutely no plan other than I felt sure there were things to do and see and I felt sure I was capable of doing and seeing them. I think in my thirties I have pretty good insurance, soo... I'm going with it.  What could go wrong? So many things....

The first day I had it all to myself from start to finish. Kerry was in business stuff all day, so if I had to be hospitalized or something I'm sure he could have come but basically the man was busy...soo... off I went.  I used my trusty Iphone to remember my street address.. apparently there are TWO Westins in San Fran.. I'll get to that later. Anyways, a man literally whistled for a cab and I got in and said "Take me somewhere there is bread... and maybe also soup...."  Off to the wharf we went. Apparently if you walk alone, you may look like a bit of an oddity in a touristy area.. but I got over that pretty quickly. I mean..  this was a land of chocolate and bread and wine.. does NOT get much better. I shopped and found an amazing place to eat with a nice glass of wine.. it twas lovely.  I continued on down the street until I found a WINERY.. and then things get a teeensy bit hazy. I had to taste the wine, and then I had to buy the wine and then I got into a lovely discussion about football teams and then I had the lady call me a cab. Upon entering the lovely cab, I told him my destination. VERY CAREFUL to give him the street address.. at least I think I was careful. I digress.

I then exited the cab at the Westin.. this is the part of the story that it becomes VERY IMPORTANT to know that there are two Westins. Up to the front desk... "Um... where is the other Westin?" that happened. That question ACTUALLY happened. Soooo... somehow I ended up in another cab with another mother and we shared a cab.. sorta.. somehow and then I got to the right Westin... which would have been INFINITELY more exciting if only I knew what I had done with the room key. Hmmmm... Ten minutes later and a gentleman that pretty much looked like a mobster showed up, let me in my room and asked to see my ID.. and then I went to sleep. I survived. I had FUN. I ordered a TON of wine. And I adventured, and lived a little and every little bit counts.  Jus Sayin. :) (Also, later I bought shoes. Glory. Amen. Hallelujah.)

Mean people SUCK.

Mean people suck.
That's why... "I have decided to be happy, because it is good for my health." and to Hell with them.
Yup.
Also, I have decided to do something amazing.
I don't know what it is yet, but it's going to be groundbreaking.
Also probably there will be cheese sauce.
And maybe ice cream.
But not together.
OBVIOUSLY.
That would just be silly.
And I am NEVER silly.
Sarcastic.. all the time, but NEVER silly.
Again, OBVIOUSLY.

Goooood Talk.

Hair Dryers...

My Hair dryer died. Before you dismiss this as a paltry sadness, please know that I have had this hair dryer longer than my youngest child. It was a Chi, so as I recall it was expensive and it was perfect. It made ions go away or something and it made the drying time less and it was a miracle in a little black wind blowing machine. AND IT DIED. It did not warn me that it was no longer interested in working. It JUST QUIT. I felt betrayed but resigned to it's fate. It's had a rough life. I almost felt like it needed a special burial in the backyard...

Anyways, I had to go about the business of replacing it. They were far more expensive that I recalled. I also noticed that if I ordered it from the wrong place it didn't come with a warranty.. hmmmmm...  So there came a point where I realized what store had it (approx 10 phone calls later) and made sure they had some in stock and headed up there. Unfortunately I had the Mister with me. I would NEVER choose to take that man to ANY beauty store EVER. I prefer to leave some mysteries unsolved and my hair care is best left up to his imagination and my credit card and THEN I SAW IT. There was a computer store nearby. PERFECT. It's like the god's were smiling on me.  I sent him one way and I entered the STORE OF BEAUTY. I found her.. on a shelf.. like she was waiting for me. She was purple, green, silvery.. she had ions and speeds and promises of perfect hair and she was a SHIT TON of money.. so I looked at her. I checked her out from all sides. I checked the "Ion" reduction. I checked the 'Reduction of drying time" It was all there. She was just waiting to reach her final home. MY HOME. So I grabbed her. I hugged her much like a little girl would with her favorite dolly and I walked FORCEFULLY to the cash register.. (I picked up a few other things on the way, but let's be honest I was already in trouble ANYWAYS. In for a penny, in for a pound)  And I got the final total. It was a TON. Like a lot. Like only a Chi can cost.. (especially one with all the pretty colors and the ion reduction etc..) And I KNEW it was worth it. Like wash my hair even if I didn't need to worth it. And I was HAPPY. Super JOYFUL.

However, the time to cross the street had come. Time to enter the computer store of BORING and hopefully ARTFULLY Dodge pricing questions. When I walked in I SAW IT. A computer system I knew we needed. The old one was ancient. The children were limping along on a pitiful thing called a computer... And then it happened. I convinced the Mister that we needed that new system and he forgot to ask me about how much my hair dryer was.  And that is was I like to call a DIVERSION... And that's the way a pro does it ladies. Now here I sit.. with the worlds most perfect hair dryer.. and I know what I did.. I can admit it and I'm totally comfortable with it.. because I have IONS and SPEEDS and it's purply/silvery and it's lovely. Amen.  I'm jus Sayin.

Things that go bump in the night.

   I'm not an easily frightened girl. I don't cower in closets when scared and I'm far more likely to punch a creeper in the face than to stand there and just let my (imaginary murderer) kill me. I remember once LONG ago Kerry thought it would be funny to wait for me and jump out of the dark. I'd decked him square in the face before I even realized who he was. My point being... I don't like things that go bump in the night. I'd rather see it right in front of me and deal with it.  I may lose, but I will however,  take everything I can down with me. I'm sorry sir... did you need this wrist? I'm afraid I'm going to be trying to break that. That eyeball? You attached to that sir? I have really sharp nails and I'm aiming there first. This is logical to me. This is normal. However, it's the things that I can not see that really scare me.

   That noise that's far off in the house.. I realize it's probably just a loose shutter, but I have a vivid imagination. It's that guy from the horror movie with the chainsaw. I never saw that horror movie, but I saw the commercials and that was enough. That faint whistling? Well... that's just the wind. OR, it's a very whistley (made up word) bad guy and he's trying to give me fair warning that he's coming with a very sharp knife. I own a gun. I'm not a bad shot. I think I could hit some vital organs should I need too. Anyways, I'm pretty sure NONE of the distress compares to the way I feel about those I love though. I can worry about me, but when it comes to the people I care about.. there is no limit to the crazy. Of course the things that go "bump in the night" for them can be vastly different situations. It isn't all chainsaw murderers and crazed psycho clowns, sometimes it's a boy/girl or sometimes it's a family situation.. sometimes it's just so something so painful that there is no protocol for dealing with said disaster. However...Bottom Line.. I shall still come out fighting. May the best crazy person win and I'm armed and dangerous, also I have the AHMAZING ability to turn on the light. So take that... "things that go bump in the night" and stuff it.  Jus Sayin.

Trying hard not to be creepy.

I think in funny thoughts. Things make me laugh all by myself. I talk to myself. ALL THE TIME. Sometimes my mouth ACTUALLY moves. I admit it. I have a large inner world. I was an only child and I suppose I just learned to entertain myself. I know other only children and my particular method of self entertainment seems to be rare.. almost like a malady. A disease if you will.

ANYWAYS, Most of the time, there is a serious amount of sarcasm going on in my head. Like.. put that girl on medication kind of sarcasm. And.. then, sometimes it's CREEPY quiet in here. No inspiration, no funny, no hilarious way to look at something. Just me and my head.. hanging out.. CREEPY style. I read somewheres that people get depressed on facebook because they see so many people having perfect lives. WHO HAS ONE OF THOSE? Not me, that's for CERTAIN. I'm cheerful most of the time, sure.. but OH there are DAYS. GOOD GRACIOUS!!

 So I'm here. I'm hanging on. My life isn't perfect but most days it can make me laugh. I hope someday soon.. because I need a little comedic relief. Also, I get all CREEPED out if my head is too quiet for too long. Makes me worry. Also, all the little voices keep me company. Muahhhhhhhh......CREEPY? Lil bit. Jus sayin.

                                             I'm so creepy. I just scared myself.

I survived, BARELY.

So yesterday I went into the woods and STAYED... like a camper. Because, for the first time ever.. I caved and helped take the boys camping. I was hoping that the boys would find it a magical experience full of wonder and woodsiness...and they did. YAY!!!

Um, me however.. well, I feel like CAMPING should be a rare occasion! I'm glad I did it OF COURSE.  My kids had a ball. We went with some great friends that have some of the best teenagers on the PLANET. And we CAMPED. We stayed, in WOODS, OVERNIGHT.  I must admit, I have never done such a thing.
Annnd, NOW I know ALL the reasons why:
1) I'm not outdoorsy, AT ALL.
2) I will act like I'm dying if I get too cold when I'm trying to sleep.
3) I seriously will give up the will to live around 3am if I can't feel my face.
4) I will be called out as "Hey, fancy camper" from some random dude and I will NOD AWKWARDLY because... I HAVE NO RESPONSE TO THAT.
5) If I have nothing else to do, I will just sit and EAT for HOURS.
6) I will ALWAYS need the restroom more if it's farther away. I think that's like SCIENCE or something.
7) I have an unlimited ability to kill spiders. I don't care if they are harmless or not, if they crawl by me, they will DIE.
8) If you want me to take a hike, please include something AWESOME at the end, like TWIZZLERS or unlimited PUPPIES... because if I walk in the woods for two miles, I want to be impressed and nature is probably NOT GOING TO CUT IT.
9) If I'm in a "No service" zone for too long, I start to get TWITCHY.
10) I believe in a good pillow, warm sheets, walls, bathrooms, and electricity.

Amen and Amen. JUS SAYIN.

Camping and Shenanigans and Bears Oh my....

So here's the deal. I'm NOT an outdoorsy person.  When I was a young child, I learned to shoot, play in the woods, cliff jump, and did it all while wearing camo's.  Then I realized I was a GIRL and never did any of that stuff again. That's why when "camping" is brought up to me, I find myself shuddering and in general pretty horrified. It has been explained to me that the "children" will find this experience important. It was also explained to me that I had not a single pair of suitable shoes to accomplish this mission. Well, of COURSE I DON'T... because I DON'T CAMP. THAT'S WHY. So, because I LOVE my kids and also my friends, I have decided to be a good sport. To "Camp" ... which even when I TYPE it sounds RIDICULOUS.

(my rugged boots, hat, shirt, Southern Charm glass,  and my FUHMAZING caboodle.)

Sooo... I had to go shopping, OBVIOUSLY. I had not a single thing to wear to said "camping adventure" and besides, when I find anything to horrifying in itself, if I can shop for it, it makes it better somehow. I bought the hat, the shoes, and the "rugged clothing".  I also bought a "caboodle"  that holds all the make-up etc... that is NECESSARY to LIFE.  My Southern Charm glass is a Mason jar on STILTS if you will... sooooo.....I think I'm ready. I hope I'm ready. If not, I'm out in the woods, with kids... so.... that thought is upsetting. Like SUPER upsetting. To be fair, I'm probably sleeping in the car, or maybe the nearest Motel. I'm serious. I'm a good sport, but it can be pushed to far. Let pray y'all. Jus SAYIN.

Don't Mess with Texas

Soooo... I've been waiting on my new car. Annnnnddd by waiting, I mean.. it was originally forecasted for JULY.  I have tried patience... to little avail. I have tried passive aggressiveness.... more fun, but still not really successful. I have tried kindess, adorableness, and general sweetness... also NOT successful. Then I remembered I'm a Texas girl, and we don't like to lose. Sooooo with little options left and a weary opponent... I reveal... MAYHEM.

 Yeah... this is my new plan. My husband travels a lot... and I've decided I'm keeping his car hostage until I get mine. It was a slllloooowww transition. I mean.. terrorist don't really let you KNOW what they are planning, but it was a sllllooooww... "I'll go ahead and take YOUR car to the store." and a "Why don't you just take MY car to the airport?" sort of take over.. And now?

TOTAL MAYHEM

The car is my hostage.

I explained to the husband that the youngest had eaten his breakfast on the way to school in his car.  I listened to the increase squeaky panic in his voice when I mentioned (oh so very casually) that we were coming home from getting ice cream.  I love little questions like " Dear, did you know that when Tyler stands on the elbow rest, he can TOTALLY stick his head out the window?" Or.. "Hey, your stereo used to be louder and now it's just like RATTLING... what's that about?"

I'm Evil. I'm okay with it.

I thought this would also be a REALLY good week to teach the kids to park.

Trent got the hang of it pretty quickly. I think it would have been easier if I hadn't been asking him to be "cool". I mean because that shits important.

Tyler had a harder time, but I think it's because he's only six and he couldn't see over the steering wheel. Not to worry, I'm sure those new scratches will buff out in no time.

I surely do hope this car situation can be resolved shortly. For all our sakes. Because frankly, it's just TRULY not a good idea to mess with Texas. Never ever.  Jus Sayin.

 A preview of next week ideas:

:

Oh Good Grief... Just GO WITH IT.

Apparently... and this has been pointed out to me. I get myself into odd situations. Adventures, really. They are typically pretty hard to explain. Typically pretty hard to foresee and mostly , and this is key...  mostly they happen daily.  I would be dramatic here... but I already am, so that would be a little much. My point being, I am often involved in the most RANDOM shenanigans.

Today I had to : 1) Clean, 2) Cook 3) Shop (for boring stuff like TRASH BAGS)... (which I forgot, AGAIN) 4) Care for a friends child annnd.... that was it. Simple. BORING. But SIMPLE.  Supposably. It was all a big fat LIE.

I did clean a bit. Kept the chaos from overtaking us. Then I TOTALLY forgot to drop of my childs birthday invitations.. because I'm THAT person. So I had to run to the school... and that's where everything breaks down really.

I went to the school to drop off the invitations. Apparently it was grandparents day. WHO KNEW? Not me....awesome.
I went to lunch... but then I didn't like the menu, so I had to leave the cafe, dragging my friend behind me. I don't "do" fancy and VEGETABLES. Ew.
We then went to a new place that apparently was hosting EVERY auto mechanic between here and Columbus. Interesting. But not in a good way.
I then went to Target.  I found a hat a Target. A can NOT live without it  Turkey hat. WHY? I do NOT know. Other than, if life offers you the opportunity to wear a turkey hat in the middle of the day, then you should BY GOD take that opportunity, because who KNOWS when that will happen again.
I then picked up the kids. Because I love them. Also, I'm a FANTASTIC mother. If being a FANTASTIC mother consists of remembering that you have children waiting for you on the side of the road.
I then got my friends darling kiddo... lumped her in with my other two and proceeded to finish everything that I had started earlier in the day.... and THEN... BAM. No internet.
Seriously, I'm not trying to be dramatic. But I would rather not have WATER, than no internet. Mkay, so maybe that's a tiny bit dramatic, but you get the gist.
So, ........................ I called Customer Service.

After I listend to a LOT of bad "hold music" I got to speak to "Amy". I put it in quotes because I'm VERY sure that was not her name.  Anyways. Hours later, I had a solution. My modem was a piece of sh*t. Swell. Great. Get me a new one.  Then "Amy" informed me that it would be $150... after I stopped laughing I told her NO... (That's good SHOE money right DER!) ..then I got transferred... to AMERICA. Amen.  Anyways, long story short... too LATE.. I got my modem  and I got if for free... but I had to go GET IT. In Newnan. Dumb.

Anyways, my point is. Again.. and this happens a LOT. I have no point. Other than if you are around me, you may get sucked INTO my vortex. I'm SORRY.. ahead of time. You may end up having to wear a Turkey hat. In my world, that's a bonus. Glass Half FULL...Jus Sayin.

P.S. - My apologies to Eryn Bentley for dragging her out of the cafe.
P.P.S. - My apologies to Stephanie Haasenritter if her child had to much candy. She did. I'll just go ahead and tell you.
P.S.S. - My apologies to "Amy"... when I said "MY GOD WOMAN, wouldn't it just be easier if you give me what I want now" may not have translated well. Sorry. Seriously.

P..... - My apologies to whomever went to Target to get a turkey hat. THEY ARE ALL MINE NOW. M'kay.. I'm not reaaaallly sorry about that one.

The High Road, the Back Porch, and the SHOES that come with it.

Okay, to be honest... I wrote the TITLE before the blog. Now I feel all pressured to include, being superior, the back porch, and SHOES in this blog... Let's see how it goes..

Anyways, It's been one of the days folks. Not a bad day really... just a HOT day made interesting with a little extra drama thrown in here and there for effect. I have this facebook account you see... and it gets me in trouble from time to time. I mean sometimes... people act like a fool and I feel the need to say a "tiny" little something or even a whole PARAGRAPH sometimes. My point is... it's the devil's gateway, really.  So I got this snotty ass email. The superior tone, the "air quotes" around "woman" and I thought.... Hmmm... what did I think? Yeah, Jesus loves them so I don't have to?!  Yayayayayayayayyay! Best news I've had all day.

                                  (Me all like "YAYAY, Jesus loves them so I don't have too)

But.. alas and alack... the high road calls me. I honestly don't love the high road. It's nice, but it's not as satisfying as it could be sometimes... and yet. Here I sit. Allllllll superior. I LIKE IT. I had to make a conscious decision, to 1) let it get me all upset, because I reeeeallly care what someone who I never see thinks of me, or 2) WHO CARES?... life goes on. I got real stuff to worry about...like the Sharpstown Frog population! So after CAREFUL consideration of MANY minutes.. I decided to Take the HIGH ROAD. But then, as problems present themselves on a journey, I realized. I TOTALLY need new shoes for the high road, because it's all paved and stuff, OBVIOUSLY.... and I can't be unprepared.  So then I got new shiny red high heeled shoes, and sat and the back porch and got very, very, very, smug. Turns out the high road is LOVELY this time of year. As for the "air quotes" and rudeness... (with my tongue securely in my cheek) Well, Bless their heart. Jus Sayin.

I'm blogging because I can Not SLEEPPPPPP.....

So, I'm trying to sleep. But, alas and alack.. nothing. So, in an effort not to become so desperate as to dig up  the passwords for my myspace account.. I sit. Trying to convince myself that I am TIRED. When unfortunately I know I am very much NOT tired at all. Which as you can see.. is a dilema. Obviously.
So, in an effort to entertain myself I have done the following:

1) Read up on how to work Imovie, but lost interest before I got to any of the actual "HELPFUL" information...like "RECORD"

2) Opened up my email. There are currently somewhere around 40,000 emails in there. Got overwhelmed. Put it off till tomorrow.  ( Also, if you sent me one in the last month, you should prolly just resend.Kthanks)

3) Got a message that I forgot to pay my phone bill. ( I'm thinking that has something to do with my ignoring email for a month? Wierd.)

4) Tried to fix the phone bill issue, but lost interest...patience.... whatever.. It will be there tomorrow. I think. hope. etc.

5) Realized that I can tell when I used a purse last based on the large cache of receipts and the dates I find inside.

6) Realized I have a LOT of receipts for the oddest things.

7) Is probably going to forever wonder what "Household Item 281 was, and why I spent 19.99 on it. "

8) While watching "Hoarders on TLC" I realize that I have a LOT of purses. Made a note to shove them far back in the closet. Mumble to myself that it's all "totally normal" to have that many...hide them under the shoes...which then really panics me. Ignore. Denial.  Move on.

9) Flipped my pillow like a HUNDRED times and there was never a "cold side" which is really irritating.

10)...wrote a nonsensical blog about trying to sleep when I can't... so yeah, that too. Jus Sayin.

Imma Survivor

Today I am relatively confident that I may not survive. I know I said in the title "Imma Survivor" but let's be honest... it's really the best case scenerio. The children aren't being horrible, they are just being children. The house isn't in terrible disarray but it is OBVIOUS someone besides Martha Stewart lives here. It is also obvious that I don't have a cleaning lady. I really want one of those. Anyways, I digress.

The following things disturb me:

Forgot to get the Mister a Fathers Day card because we were on vacation... turns out they only carry those at the store BEFORE Fathers Day. NOTED.

Using Tin Foil to cover up your GINORMOUS bottle of wine because you messed up the cork is a bad idea. It will make your wine taste TIN FOILISH... which turns out I can ignore, but ew still. 

Bought Bomb Pops because I used to eat them as a kid, and they looked DELICIOUS. Probably should not have eaten FOUR.

Made huge meals and meant to freeze for leftovers. FORGOT. Now I'm sure someone will want me to cook again. DAMNIT.

Ran into an open drawer AGAIN with my shin. Note to self, try and hit the other leg next so it will match....(also, probably closing more drawers would be helpful, but that seems like a lot of work)

Found out SOMEONE cancelled the HBO channels right before True Blood and Weeds premiered. It may take MONTHS to get over that one. 

Got Told I look like Jessica Simpson again today... but it was in a sad, pity voice, so pretty sure it wasn't a compliment. Note to self - STOP wearing white cowboy hat everywhere.

Went to get the FREE "delicates" at Victoria Secret... forgot coupon. Turns out, they don't just hand them out without a coupon. FACEPALM.

Came to the realization that I have no good excuse for shopping for any clothing items at all. SAD DAY.

HAS GOT to remember to send back everything that didn't fit and looked horrible back to VS before it's too late... SERIOUSLY. (Although... seriously ladies, I got the cutest nautical swim suit EVAH)

Got the bill from Banana Republic. STUFFED it behind all the other bills... will claim innocence when interrogated.  But "Free Cat" T-shirts are already in the works....

 Going to get the kiddos Chinese take-out... lucky them. Just tried to order, and I'm pretty sure we don't have any shot at ALL of getting the right food.  I really just want to lay down and forget it. I want to crawl in my bed, pull the covers over my head and quit today. I have NOT been a fan of this week and would like it to go away anytime now, and don't look now, but the kids just got out some goo named ZUBBER. Siiiigghhhhh,  Alas, Imma Survivor... so in lui of a better way to end this rambling post, I shall leave you in the capable hands of Destiny's Child.. before Beyonce left them in the dust and became super fancy...My favorite line is "Because my momma taught me better than that..." Sing it with me NOW....

Home Sweet Home

Ahhhh..... Home.

So, I'm strange. I like vacation, don't get me wrong. I love a chance to throw out the rules, eat ice cream whenever, taunt dermatologist with my irreverent skin care and in general behave with maycare.. which is what I do anyways. My point is, I don't like being away from home for to long. I miss my bed. I miss my pillow. I miss a WHOLE week of drama and gossip in the lives of people I love and whose company I enjoy. So, yes... yes. We had a lovely time, but all in all...SO GLAD to be home. Anyways,  random things I noticed.

1) Hawaii is proud of fresh food. I'm a preservative queen. The day I found a Taco Bell was a highlight.

2) I'm an excellent driver of Mustang convertibles. I also look good in one. I want a shiny red one. That is all.

3) The word for appetizer in Hawaiian is Puu Puu's... I laughed every time they asked if I wanted one. Because I'm 8.

4)The lady who had to clean our room when we left curses us. I'm very sure of it.

5) Boxed wine taste terrible...but not so terrible as not to drink it.

6) Apparently I get tipsy on two glasses of wine, when I am starving to death and leave my favorite flip floppies at the pool and some kind soul will have to return them.

7) A swedish massage is something I have never had. Now, I want one everyday... by a man named Ray. That's not weird right?

8) If you have never had a Swedish massage before, it's important to get all the rules ahead of time, or you just may panic when they ask you to FLIP over. Like REALLY panic.

9) Chickens and Roosters roam at will on Kauai. It starts to get freaky after awhile.

10) I'm like the Jeffrey Dahmer of chickens... I started to get worried that word would spread of my arrival and their would be an "Incident" aka: My unfortunate demise... DEATH BY CHICKEN. Frankly, it's not how I want to go.

11) Why on an island of 30 MILLION free range effing chickens, is not ONE of them fried up on a menu somewheres?

12) I almost starved to death. I lost five el bees on vacation. That should NEVER happen.

13) I will always hate when my hair gets wet. Always.

14) I will remember the face of the TSA woman who took away my Bumble and Bumble hairspray. Forever.

15) A hotel room with children gets REAL small after about two days.. I'm glad I chose not to jump of the balcony, but there were times it was a near thing.

16) I'm not entirely sure jet lag doesn't kill people. Or, at the very least... make them delirious.

Anyways, home. Love home. Love my peeps. Fried chicken is emminent. The Southern moon is out....(yes, it's just ours) and the children are back in their own bedrooms. Amen and Amen. Jus Sayin.

Oh muh HOLY CRAPOLA... and pass the Tylenol

     I've been preparing for THE TRIP for some time now. I have a schedule. It's like the army around here. I fuss about messes. I am cranky about clutter. It's what I do. I actually took pictures of my clean kitchen before I left the house in case SOMEONE messed it up. Yep. I'm that person. About two weeks before a trip I STRESS. I stress about activities. I stress about travel time. But... I will admit. I stress mostly about packing. What shall the boys and I wear? I'm not kidding. This is an actual thing. I make a list of the days. And I plan accordingly. AKA... Monday: outfit for day, swimming attire, swimming cover up, night time attire...which is WAY different than daytime attire... and shoes. MY GOD.. the SHOES.  I'm on a mission from CRAZYTOWN to find a pair of patent leather red high heeled sandals. I KNOW they are out there somewhere.. COME HOME TO MOMMA!

      Anyways, my point is.. I really don't have a point. I'm shopping like a loon, and making everyone clean everything they touch. Why? Because I'm an insane person CLEARLY. And no one should argue with an insane person... it leads to nowhere. And, also... WE ARE CRAZY.Which explains SO MANY of the "OMG, that girl has flipped her lid" looks I got today. Because I was in NO MOOD for crazy people... I was crazy enough for ALL of us.  Also, I just realized the outfit for the airport is going to need 5 inch heels. Woops!  I'm going to catch Hell for that, but it's all part of the process. And seriously.. the outfit is SO CUTE. Seriously. I'm Jus Sayin.

A Love letter...

I've been overwhelmed lately at the closings of so many chapters in life. Life has a way of JUST HAPPENING without my approval or consent.  In the past month I have received tons of graduation announcements and birthdays and celebrations. All marking the ending of something or the beginning of something new. I don't like change. I'm the queen of liking everything to say the exact same forever, even if... it's not practical. Even if, it makes no sense.

When I received graduation announcements for my friends CHILDREN, it hit especially hard. These little guys are all grown up. I don't know when that happened. I remember the night that Kaylee Roseanne Ivy and Katrina Anne McKennon were born. (First of all it should be noted they were named after me...jus sayin!) Kaylee was born first and she was born in the very middle of the night. I remember staying up and watching "Beaches" on VHS. If you don't know the story, it's about a woman who has to raise her best friends baby after her friend dies of cancer.  DUMBEST movie to watch EVAH when a friend is having a baby. ( I would like to take this time to thank both Tara and Stephanie for NOT dying of cancer and making me raise your children. I'm sure it would have been QUITE the fiasco) Anyways,  I remember going to sleep... near dawn, and feeling the oddest thing. It wasn't until years later I could define what it was. To me, Kaylee and Katie were the first people I ever loved, without ever having met them. I loved them completely from the day they were born.  I didn't get to be there, but I knew, I just knew... they were going to be remarkable children and they were going to have some remarkable mothers.

So, occasionally I start to tear up a lil (which I do NOT do) and I watch as this big wide door swings open for people that I love. Children that grew into teenagers and then ... when I wasn't looking... Beautiful grown women. I'm ready to watch the amazingness. I will yell loudly from the fan stands, along with your mothers. You got this. You are Perfect.  You are loved. You are going to make mistakes... but some words of advice from Aunty Cat... If you make mistakes, learn from them. If you fall, GET UP. Dance. Maybe even DANCE a lot. Actually in fact, you should ALWAYS Dance. And Be Happy. I love you , along with a host of people that can not possibly  even be counted. BE You. Whatever that is, will be perfect.

So, I put my kiddos to bed tonight.. and we chanted our ritual " I love you, I love you, I love you all the waaaay to the moon... and then darlings, I love you all the way right back."  I know it's just a matter of time before they are grown and so I sit, and glory in the fact that I have just a little while longer with them. And I hold it tight.

Soo... anyways,   I think the biggest think I hope for you, is Love. Love is actually what I think it's all about.
Just Remember :


"You've got to give a little, take a little,
and let your poor heart break a little.
That's the story of, that's the glory of love."

"You've got to laugh a little, cry a little,
until the clouds roll by a little.

That's the story of, that's the glory of love."  ...

 Go get 'em Girls. You got this.  I'm Jus Sayin.